But if destruction is what I needed...

I just wanted a safer place to hide...

Senior year is just around the corner. I can't believe time has moved this fast. I remember writing my blog posts at the beginning of it all - scared, confused, totally lost. I'm still pretty much in the same spot, really. I wonder if life ever stops being confusing, or if humans are more or less doomed to confusion for all eternity. I wish I had the strength to just say fuck it and go for what I want, but sometimes I'm sure it takes more strength to stay where I am.
This summer was spectacular for so many reasons. I am so glad it happened. From discovering new friends to working the Walla Walla Sweet Onion Festival and Hairspray to Kimmy's wedding to Motley Crue, everything was so good. I have grown so much. I still struggle, but I think that is just how life goes. Plateaus are simply building ground for the next growth spurt.
I've been discussing with a dear friend about how love is a swimming pool. It's so much fun when you're swimnming and splashing about and enjoying things. Sitting on the edge or on the deck of the pool, just watching, sucks. Sometmes, you're really enjoying the pool and the company, and sometimes, it's just not the right time to swim. So you get out, towel off, and wait for things to be right. Sometimes, you're swimming alone, waiting for someone to jump in with you. Sometimes, you're poised on the diving board waiting for someone to tell you to jump and watch you fall (maybe so you can splash them on the way in). I had just finished toweling off, and had decided to sit a little farther away from the pool for awhile, maybe read a book on the deck... It was so pleasant. What do you do if someone pushes you back in?
I'm also learning to be content with my friends the way they are. So if that means they don't speak to me for a few weeks, fine. It's hard for me, because I'm ridiculously anxious about things like that - but it promotes healthier friendships. Hopefully, this conscious learning process will help me adapt into a healthier person.
I've had this overwhelming need to ask people if they think I'm pretty or not recently - please don't answer that, readers - and I think it is preposterous. It actually kind of bugs me that I want to ask so much, because it shouldn't matter and it only displays my insecurities. Clearly, I'm an insecure female - I'm living. My insecurities are my own and I shouldn't need to beg for attention because of them, right?
I can't even begin on the last few days yet. They have been so good and so, so bad. I'm a mess. I'll tell you when I figure things out.