You'll always be my necessity...

I'd be lost without you. You're the starch in my collar. You're the lace in my shoe.

Well, that was fun.
or something.

I have never actually enjoyed a cast party (maybe Eurydice) but that by far takes the cake. I never thought anything would top Mattress, but I have never been that uncomfortable at a cast party ever. I just wanted to leave as soon as I got there. I don't understand how I've drifted so far away from all of my friends.
I have wonderful friends, but sometimes they're the problem. or I tell myself that to keep the demons at bay. oh, but they're out in full force tonight and there's no fighting them off. it's funny how keeping promises to yourself and not breaking the law only make it harder to fight. i feel vaguely like a velociraptor tore through my heart and left it beating somehow. I mean, I'm fine. Nothing actually happened. I hate parties so as soon as the alcohol came out, I left. My mother would be proud of me. I drove around for like half an hour trying to tell myself things were fine. I came home and tried to read. I decided to go to bed.
I was woken up about half an hour later by a phone call. I didn't answer, luckily. I don't think he'd have noticed if I had. I had no idea how crushing a wordless phone message could be. I mean, it was quite full of sound. but it was empty.

I don't actually think anything was meant by it.


That doesn't change how much it hurts.



But it shouldn't hurt, and I know that. I feel preposterous and rather pathetic for letting it hurt. At the same time, I don't really feel like I have a choice in the matter because it's not like I'm trying to be heartbroken over it. And maybe this is just my brain deciding to move on, but then again it's never been like this before. It's not the end of the world - it never really is - but i hate where my brain goes on nights like this and i guess as long as I keep typing things will be okay. i've never shaken this badly in my entire life. my body shakes when it won't cry. and at least it means he cares enough to try and check in but god how much i hate it.
and he's texting me now, so he's fine and it's fine and he's not being stupid, but he'll never let me in and he'll never let me care and i'll never understand why on earth he needs this to be happy. then again, i don't even know what i need to be happy. i feel like i repeat certain phrases too often when i'm emotionally distressed. i wish that i could feel secure in my relationships for just one day. i wish that i could understand why i'm the second thought, or the backup, or the last resort for so many. i'm just always so scared and i don't understand. i'll never get to be that girl and i don't know why i want to be her, but being me seems to get me nowhere and while everyone seems to like me, no one seems to love me.
excuse me for having to type this all out. i hope you didn't read it. i apologize already, because that's who i am and i can't change it and i hate it. please forgive me.

pour a little salt, we were never here.

well, shit.

i'm just done with this.

i don't even know.

no one reads this.

no one reads me.

it's like i've got this whole world caught in my throat,

and no one notices that it's choking me.

Recently, I've felt anchored. Secure in my doom to never leave the bottom of the ocean, but for some reason never drown.

The problem with this is that the point in the ocean that I'm anchored to has a whirlpool swirling around it, and everything and everyone is moving so fast that even if I tried to reach out the touch someone, I'd just get whiplash.

No one seems to take what I say seriously.

i'll keep writing even though no one has looked at this blog besides me since last february.

i don't know why i feel the need to keep trying, but i'll save the world until i fall apart.

i did this last year.

it created a flurry of fake-care.

for like a month, all of my friends were concerned and loving and tried oh-so-hard to include me.

and then promptly forgot as soon as they felt better about themselves.

so don't try.

don't bother.

I found that in my drafts a little while ago. It's definitely old. Life seems to move in a circular motion, and only a few seem to leap out of the loop and into the world. Sometimes I do wonder why I try so hard, but in the end I know it's because I care. and if caring is a fault, then you can go to hell. I'm trying so hard to be content with what I have because I know its good but my dreams are so much bigger than the small towns I get myself stuck in. I could be happy here if I let go. But I've never known how to let go. Friends are like snow. i love it so much, but i never know what to do with it, and it never sticks around quite long enough - or if it does, it browns with misuse.

it's like slow-dancing to a beat too fast to hear.
it's like eating pie every day of the year.
it's like holding you close every night in my dreams.
it's like knowing that no one hears my screams.
it's like going crazy bit by bit.
it's like being afraid of being a bitch.

I don't know anymore. and I think that's what I'm supposed to say, so I don't want to say it.
"i don't know why i feel the need to keep trying, but i'll save the world until i fall apart."