It's the final countdown...

Okay, cheesy Europe lyrics aside, I really leave for London in just a few days. My flight takes off Monday evening. I can't believe it's so close! Thank you guys so much for being so supportive of this dream. I know your prayers have really helped me get this far, and I'll appreciate all the help they will bring while I'm there. I'm very excited for this opportunity. I'll do my best to update this once or twice while I'm gone, and I'll be keeping a journal as well, so there will be an epic post when I get back, like there used to be after Houseboat or Mission trips - although most of those are sitting half-finished on my computer.
So this trip is about exploring British culture through theatre and music - thus the title of the class, "Exploring British Culture Through Theatre and Music". It's three and half weeks of fun and awesomeness. I have Rick Steves' Guide to London (2010) and a few friends on the trip, a bit of money in the bank, and a very very giddy heart. Part of me doesn't believe that I'm really going to London. I'm not really living by Hyde Park for almost a month. It can't be true!
But it is. I really get to see Billy Elliot! and Every Good Boy Deserves Favour 2010 and Nation. There is really a chance for me to run into stars. When my friend Ben went two years ago, he met Ewan McGregor!!!!! I've got a list from my friend Rachel, who also went two years ago, of all the little things I should try to do. My passport is up-to-date and my ISIC is shiny and new. Now I just have to finish packing, do a few things, and get on the plane!
I'm actually really nervous about Customs, which is kind of strange because its not like I'll have anything illegal with me. I get really nervous about going through security every time I'm at the airport, too, so I guess its just an extension of that. I'm sure it will go smoothly, and I heard from one friend that they don't even check your bag most of the time. I'm not sure I believe that, but we'll see. And in the end, it will be a growing experience.
That's the part I'm most excited about. My whole life has been a growing experience, but this is something a little different. It's a chance to grow away from some of the negative influences I've acquired (and a chance to figure out how to deal with certain influences that may be following me there). It's a chance to see the world and realize its bigger than my ethnocentric country. There is so much more in this beautiful world, and I finally get the chance to see a little bit of it.
Also, my friend Laura who attends the college group at MVPC is going to be in London for the first week of her Jan term as well. We're going to try really hard to meet up while we're there. It's going to be amazing!
Thanks so much for all of your support and prayers. I'm almost there!

One more question: How is this one big lesson?

I don't think that there's a quiz, but if there is I'll be outside.

It's that time again! I get to make the beautiful five hour drive back to Spokane in just a few days, and I'm bouncing with excitement. This summer has been interesting for me, and I can't wait to see what the school year will bring me - especially since I'm going to LONDON!
I love my school for many reasons. Whitworth is gorgeous. The students AND faculty are incredible. The theatre department is seriously the coolest thing since sliced bread. One of my advisors' last name is Sprenkle. Seriously, how cool is that? Saga actually doesn't taste that bad. There are traditions to be upheld. There are pinecones everywhere. I've never walked across campus without seeing a frisbee. =]
I could go on for hours about how much I love Whitworth, but I think that'd get kind of boring (although since half of the people that I know read this blog are Whitworth alumni, I suppose they wouldn't mind too much). I want to write a little bit about the thing I'm most excited for - JAN TERM. I also wanted to take a moment to thank some of the wonderful people that introduced me to Whitworth, but we'll get to that later.
I adore having a 4-1-4 system. The semesters don't drag on, but they aren't rushed either. I took Arthurian Literature last Jan term, and it was incredible. Something about learning for three hours straight is kind of awesome. The snacks and movies helped, too. =P This year, I get the incredible opportunity to spend my Jan term in the wonderful city of London. British Culture Through Theatre and Music is one of the study abroad programs that Whitworth's theatre and music departments offers. I've gotten all the money together, through work and wonderful relatives. I've looked at the pictures from the last trip. I can't believe Ben got to meet Ewan McGregor. I've triple-checked my passport. It's going to be SO cool.
People have been telling me that it is the trip of a lifetime. They make it sound so impactful and life-changing and SCARY. I'm just an innocent eighteen-year-old girl - how many life-changing trips can I go on before I grow up?

My summers have always been the season of change. Besides the whole 'it's your time between school years' deal, the trips that I went on were always incredible. From my very first mission trip to Mexico, when we didn't have a youth leader and everything was weird, to my first houseboat trip, when I realized that growing up had to happen, to my last summer full of mission trips and middle schoolers and houseboats. Every trip I took with my youth group impacted in me in some way or another.
Funnily enough, the trip that impacted my future the most took place in the spring. Our wonderful youth leader, Hannah, took four students to visit the weird college that she'd gone to. We were all juniors. Kenny, Bryce, Tiana, and I stuffed ourselves into her little car and drove five hours to stay in dorms with people we didn't know - except Kenny, who stayed with a Bonnema. From the moment I stepped foot on that campus, I was in love. It felt like home. Almost three years later, it really is home for me. Through incredible parents and a lot of scholarships, I've had a brilliant freshman year and I'm about to start my sophomore. Time has gone by fast, and I want to savor all of the time I've got left at this wonderful place.
So thank you, Hannah, for introducing me to my new home. =]
I also want to thank Jeannie and Travis, because they got married and I met half of the theatre department at their wedding. =D There's a lot more to it than that, but that's the beginning. Jeannie has given me a lot of good advice when it comes to the theatre, and encouraged me to just throw myself into it. That means a lot to me.

This blog had a point when I started it, and I'm not sure I accomplished it. That's okay though, because it reflects my thoughts and that makes it worth posting. =D

----------------
Now playing: Darren Criss - I Still Think
via FoxyTunes

Anyway, the thing is I really mean your eyes are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.

It has been an interesting summer, for sure. I have survived three weeks of VBS and a week of camp now, and I'm loving it although I'm not entirely sure I could ever do it again. One thing is for sure, though. After four weeks of being mostly "Willow", having people call me Maery again is weird.
I think it is funny how the things that you think are the least likely to change you tend to be the things that really help you learn more about yourself. I've spent the last year or so in a sort of spiritual limbo. I knew what I thought, and I sort of knew what the Bible said, but I didn't really bother to even try and place the two next to each other and compare. The conversations I've had this past week - most of which were either with Bryce while we were driving or with Melody when she wasn't sick - have taught me a lot about myself. I'm reading very slowly through Psalm 119 right now, and the one thing that has really struck me through every section is the idea of finding joy in the law.
I'm a teenager. Rules are lame, right? We're practically made to break them. And while it may be exhilarating to sneak out for skinny dipping or see a movie your mom told you not to see, God's law is a lot bigger than all of that. God's law is love, and what greater joy is there than being loved the way God loves us? In verse 24, both the NIV and the NASB refer to the Lord's commands as being delightful, and as counselors. I think that is SO incredible! Law doesn't seem like a friendly thing, especially not human law. There is so much in this one Psalm about God's love filling the earth completely, and how even when we feel our worst, God revives us with his love. Have you ever been feeling super low, and you get a hug or a smile or someone says "I love you" unexpectedly and suddenly, your day is amazing? God is continually saying "I love you", and if we are smart enough to listen, our whole life is improved!
In closing, Psalm 119:20 in NIV, NASB, and the Message, with added emphasis.
"My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times."
"My soul is crushed with longing after your ordinances at all times."
"My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous! - insatiable for your nourishing commands."

My dad is rich and your dad is dead.

You may have freed our house elf and brought doubt to our family name, but your parents still got toasted by a big green glowing flame.
Alright, so it is about time I wrote my Harry Potter blog, huh? =D I've seen it twice, and have sneaky suspicion that I will see it at least once on Imax and once or twice in Spokane as well. I've heard a lot of opinions on the movie, and a lot of dissent in the ranks of the fandom. I will try to avoid dwelling on what other people think and simply explain how I felt about it.
I, of course, went to the midnight showing. I was dressed as Pansy Parkinson in a costume made almost entirely from my own closet, including my hobo pants from Audience (with Rachel as director) transformed into sparkly ripped jeans emblazoned with a Dark Mark. I was accompanied by a Luna Lovegood, complete with lion hat and radish earrings, a Lavender Brown in pink and brown and curls, a Helga Hufflepuff in a gorgeous dress, and an Ignotus Peverell, who was honestly just too lazy to actually dress up. We all had homemade wands, styled by my lovely friend Jamie (Luna in the picture). There are more pictures on Facebook.
We headed to Red Robin, where we were greeted by a very enthusiastic young man who thought it was SO COOL that we were all dressed up and wouldn't leave us alone. The rest of the restaurant eyed us. I think a few parents were scared for their children. We ran into my friends Aaron and Sasha, who were not dressed up (tsk tsk). After the meal, we swept out of the restaurant and ended up walking the mall for awhile because it was early yet.
One of the greatest things about the Harry Potter fandom is the instant camaraderie between fans, especially on nights like this one. We ran into people, some dressed up, some not, but everyone seemed to know why we were there - and those who didn't soon figured it out. We scared the little asian lady that runs Murasawki, sadly. Other fans would clap and whistle in joyous celebration, and it felt quite like the scene in the first book where the wizarding world is celebrating the downfall of Voldemort for the first time.
We walked back to the theater, deciding that it was time to be committed and join the line. We managed to be one of the last groups in the line inside. Our Luna got a lot of attention - random girls came up and asked for pictures with us! Everyone had the same excited fever, and the whole theater was bustling with energy. They let us in two hours till the movie started, and the mad rush for seats began. We came out victorious, sitting in the middle of a row that was towards the back but not too high. All through the theater, we recognized people, both by costume and because we knew them. A boy dressed as Dumbledore walked in and everyone cheered!
The energy was astounding. It's my favorite part of midnight shows. I am a very loud movie watcher. I engage myself - I yell, cry, laugh, and generally make a fool of myself at any showing, but at a midnight show it is somewhat acceptable. We are the die hard fans, after all. We screamed, cried, jumped, "awwww"d, and laughed as one. Only one person was out of sync. Me.
I am, and have almost always been, a Draco fan in a way that even other Draco fans do not quite grasp. I have two Dracos living in my head: the 'real' one, that J.K. created, and the one that I love so very much that is mostly a product of wishful thinking and too much fanfiction. The real Draco is very much an angst-ridden git, but then so is Harry. MY Draco, however, is quite a wonderful boy and if I ever find a real one like him, I think you'd all like him very much. I see the best of J.K.'s Draco - the man he might have been, had he accepted Dumbledore's help at the end of this movie. Perhaps the man he might have been had Harry accepted his friendship during first year. I'm not always entirely sure where MY Draco ends and J.K.'s begins - they are very similar, after all. Luckily, in the end, they are fictional characters.
And, here, the spoilers begin:
Personally, I LOVED the movie. I feel that Tom Felton finally got his character right, and that the Inferi scene was wonderful, if a little reminiscent of the Dead Marshes. I do wonder how Harry is going to find Ravenclaw's diadem, but the kiss was cute and I'm okay with it for now. Slughorn was an excellent addition, as was Lavender Brown. "Where's my Won-Won?!!?" has never been shouted so well before. Emma Watson's Hermione has grown up beautifully, and I don't say that just because every guy I know thinks she is gorgeous. Rupert Grint delivered a brilliant Ron, especially during the love potion scene.
And Harry. Dearest Harry. That boy that I have grown up with, both on screen and in print. I feel that I cannot ask anymore of poor Daniel Radcliffe, who will probably be typecast for the rest of his life because of this saga. However, Harry does not piss me off in the movies. Book!Harry made me yell at him for being SO stupid and stubborn and so very, very Gryffindor. Movie!Harry does not. Aside from that, I feel like he is doing well.
I do like David Yates as a director SO much more than Alfonso Cuarón or Mike Newell. David's movies are not, however, quite on par with Chris Colombus. Hero Fiennes-Tiffin was an excellent young Tom Riddle, although I liked Frank Dillane a bit more. ;] Dame Maggie Smith is my hero, though. She completed filming for HBP while undergoing radio-therapy for breast cancer.
Alan Rickman was, as always, the perfect Snape. I honestly think that he is the most well-cast actor in the entire film. I can't wait to see the "After all this time?" "Always." scene in the seventh movie - well, it will probabl be the eighth movie, but hey. Michael Gambon feels like the right Dumbledore now. I remember when the switch happened, it was jarring and I was very angry. Dumbledore grew with the books, though, and Michael Gambon is the right kind of Dumbledore for the later books. I feel that the switch might have happened a movie too early, but since Richard Harris died, I can't REALLY complain about that.
My one and only big complaint is the attack on the burrow. It was completely nonsensical! It existed nowhere in the book, and it will totally ruin the REAL attack in the seventh movie. Poor Phlegm and Bill. Perhaps they are planning on cutting that anyways. Grrrr. According to IMDB, "This particular scene was not in the book, but was made just for the movie to serve as a representative of all the news reports, which are scattered around in the source novel, about various attacks by Death Eaters on the wizard community. It was considered to provide better pacing for a movie to have Harry actually experience one such attack first hand, rather than hearing/reading about those that kept happening to some other students, or their relatives." I don't care about pacing - Harry needs to care about other people!
The one other thing that made me incredibly angry is actually rather small. They changed a line of Draco's that sort of changes him, in my opinion. In the movie, he says "I have to kill you, or he'll kill me." While he does say that in the books, he also says this on page 591: "I've got to do it! He'll kill me! He'll kill me whole family!" It's about half way down the page. I think the fact that he is protecting his family as well as himself gives him some sense of humanity, yeah?
Oh, and this just in: Gellert Grindewald has apparently been cast, which means that they will NOT be cutting all of Dumbledore's past from the Deathly Hallows! YAY!
I am done ranting for now, and leave you with these many thoughts to ponder in internet-silence for awhile.

I am what I am and nobody else.

Today, I am helping my mother get ready to go on the Middle School Great Adventure with many of my friends and darling middle school students. It feels really weird to sit calmly at home while Stephie and Brandon and Bryce and Hannah and Ruth and everyone is getting everything together last minute. I know way too much about the trip - even your super secret location, Hannah! - and so it feels like I should be going, even though I haven't been a middle school leader for a year now.
I'm realizing that I honestly miss working with the middle school youth group. While I adore the 1st and 2nd grade kids that I'm leading at VBS, something is missing, and I think its the fact that I can't carry a coherent conversation with the 1st and 2nd grade students. I suppose this means that I'll end up volunteering with a middle school youth group again, and I might even end up like Ruth and continue to do it until I'm confined to a wheelchair. I truly miss it.
At the same time, I know that being a youth leader is not my calling. I'm not Bryce or Kenny. God has something else planned for me, but I can't help but think that he made me for multiple purposes, and that one of them may be volunteer youth work. I want to be a vessel for God, but sometimes its hard to decide if I'm following his wishes or simply my desires. I was so convinced that God wanted me to be a schoolmarm but now I feel like that was just me reconciling my dreams with my parents expectations. I know that I love English and Theatre, and that I have been given talent in English, if not in Theatre as well. I know that I love working with middle school students in the name of the Lord, and that I love being involved in my church. How does that all fit together?
Something I've been struggling with lately is trying to be just me. I don't want to be my mom, or Mrs. Hockman, or even Hannah. I want to be me. That's why I hate it so much when people tell me I look like my mom, or that I've got the same handwriting as my dad. I resented being told that I was going to be the next Mrs. Hockman, and even being told that I reminded some of my favorite mentors of themselves. Can't I just be me and not be this strange compilation of other people? I know its meant to be a compliment most of the time, but I can't help but be irritated every time I hear something like that.
I've successfully gone on a few tangents and I'm going to attempt to bring it back to the MSYG trip. There, look, I did it! =P No matter how much I wish I could be a leader still, I'm so excited for you guys to go and work with those kids. I'll be a leader on the prayer front here, and I await all of the fun stories with mixed feelings. Have a wonderful week, my friends on the Adventure, and I will miss you.

----------------
Now playing: Jonas Brothers - I Am What I Am
via FoxyTunes

The boy never cryed again, and he never forgot what he'd learned: that to love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed.

That quote is from my newest book-love, City of Bones by Cassandra Clare. Part of the Mortal Instruments trilogy, it is a fluffy read full of adventure and love. I called a lot of the 'big twists' WAY before they happened, but that made it more fun - like one of Pastor Jon's sermons where I fill in all the blanks two minutes in and then find out if I'm right. =D Each of the three books, cleverly titled City of Bones, City of Ashes, and City of Glass, is a quick read, taking maybe four or five hours at my slower pace. That would not be the pace reserved fro Harry Potter and Twilight books. I can't read everything that fast. I own the first book, and reccomend it to people - although the less you read of the rest of it, the more you may like it.
I know that all of the hype regarding Cassandra Claire and her plagiarism happened way back in 2001, when I was just entering the fandom. I was shocked by the news, hurt even, as were many others. Her Draco Trilogy was my first novel-length fic, and I had loved her leatherpants!Draco as much as one could love a fictional character. The plot drew me into Draco Sinister, and I continued into Draco Dormiens – not knowing the uproar until a fellow fanfic writer warned me. I stopped reading, partly because there was no more to read at the time, and partly because I was astonished that anyone would try to do something like that. (If you don’t know anything about the Cassandra Claire debacle, or Cassiegate, you can read about it here.)
A few years later, whenever she finished Draco Veritas, I read the fics again for closure. I had liked the characters and the plot and wanted to know how it ended. I figured that she had been through the scandal and that was that. Little did I know that it would all come back again. This year, I found my old PDFs of the stories (which are admittedly better at acknowledging the quotes than her originals were) and started to reread – mostly because I was bored out of my mind and they were nostalgic. Having now been exposed to Buffy and other works she drew from, I found myself reading through a swamp of familiar one-liners but was unperturbed as I knew about it beforehand.
I was in the middle of Draco Veritas when I stumbled upon her very own published book: City of Bones, part one of the Mortal Instruments trilogy. I was a little surprised – she’d been known for rather blatant plagiarism, but I suppose she could have changed her ways. Also, her name has lost it’s ‘i’ – she was now just Cassandra Clare. Out of pure curiosity, and a love for blond bad-boys in leather pants, I bought the book. Reading it, I discovered my very favorite fanfiction Draco, cleverly disguised as Jace – who also is remarkably like Spike.
I also discovered familiar one-liners and other things that I sort of brushed past as allusions and oh-its-just-part-of-her-style. I feverishly finished the book – her writing has always been somewhat addictive – and struck out for the last two. I finished the series with a feeling of, well, disappointment. I had always thought that Cassie was a decent writer, and that she just needed to stop relying on the one-liners to carry her through. Apparently, she has not been able to let go of this crutch.
What made me angry, however, is what angered many people during the original fiasco: there were people who looked at the quotes and thought that they were Cassie’s original work! Now, in fanfiction, this is the biggest grey area in the world, mostly because fanfiction itself is a grey area. However, in the world of published fiction, I would like to see credit where credit is clearly due. If Cassie Clare cannot give even that, I may have to actually boycott her books.

Watch out for that girl. One day she may change the world.

I have my guilty face on today, because I may or may not now possess all four Jonas Brothers CDs. =D I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I definitely have them now. I could lie and pass it off as a gift to my adorable sister, but I secretly wanted them. They are definitely not the best, but there is something about cookie cutter pop that makes me want to know all the words. Madilyn and I love to watch their TV show, JONAS, and giggle about it.
Aside from the Jonas Fever that I have caught, I have found a new book-love and a new tv show. I'm starting with the show because I could probably spend an entire post on the book-love. NBC has started to air the first season of BBC's Merlin, which is ncredibly funny if not actually acurate. I took Arthurian Literature for Jan term this year, and we saw the previews for this show. Both Mathew and Madilyn watch it with me, but we missed it this week so my mission for tomorrow is to find the episode online. I'm not telling them that we could watch the rest of the season. =] I really like how the show portrays Merlin's magic - his eyes, normally blue, flash gold right before the magic happens. King Uther Pendragon is portrayed by the one and only Anthony Head, also known as GILES from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! I giggle a lot when he trying to be a tyrant. Merlin and Arthur are the same age, Gwen is Morgana's serving girl, and Lancelot has only been in one episode, but he looked like Ben Barnes so it's okay.
As for the book-love, there is an author named Cassandra Clare. If you were ever involved in Harry Potter fanfiction deeply, that name probably rings a bell. The infamous Cassandra Claire, who was accused of a lot of copyright infringement at one point - read about it here, wrote the epic fanfiction saga known as the Draco Trilogy (Draco Sinister, Draco Dormiens, and Draco Veritas) as well as the Very Secret Diaries, which was a LOTR spin-off. I have a whole other blog post to write about why I read her newly published Mortal Instruments series in light of all the accusations, but let me say here that I loved the published trilogy as much as I loved the fanfiction trilogy. I definitely reccomend them to anyone looking for something to take up some time in their lives now that Harry Potter and Twilight are done, but I would suggest just borrowing it from the library unless you find it cheap like I did. =]

And no matter what I do, I feel the pain - with or without you.

I'm currently sitting in a room at Great Wolf Lodge, being lazy and tired while my family is swimming and doing other water-fun-related things. It's been a fun trip so far, although the deathly water tube things are TERRIFYING. My mom forced me to go down them. I think the whole state could hear me scream as I went. It was soooo scary. The beds are soft, the food is delicious, there is a lounge for teens, and overall this place is kind of cool. There's even a game with wands and magical fairies called MagiQuest!
We took a break from the waterpark today to visit this thing called Mima Mounds. Basically, it's a prairie of random mounds that kind of look like giant gopher holes. It spreads out for acres and acres, and there are almost a million of the little mounds! I didn't get to take a picture 'cause I left my camera in the safe at the hotel. =[ If you've ever read Lord of the Rings, think about a very sunny Barrow-downs. If it had been dusk and super foggy, I would have run screaming in the other direction - or maybe crept forward slowly to spy on the barrow-wights and maybe find a nifty dagger like the Hobbits found! (You should definitely look them up on Google Images - just so you can see what I mean.)
I've been really tired all week and I'm not sure why. I also just discovered that two amazing people are coming up to visit my favorite church - MVPC - this week, and I won't be there becaues of this vacation! =[ I can't believe everyone gets to see Travis and Jeannie without me. Not that I should be complaining, since I'm sure my parents are spendng exorbitant amounts of money on us here. Oh, and the song that is my title today? Definitely came on shuffle as I was trying to decide what to put as my title. =D

Hopeless, head over heels in the moment...

I never thought that I'd get hit by this lovebug again.

Well, this is certainly an experience. I've still no real job, but I'm doing some writing on a pay-per-word basis and looking into other stuff like that. Most people do this as supplemental income, and so I'm not making nearly enough to pay for the London trip. =[ I really hope that I can work this out. Crap.

I'm enjoying the writing, though, and have been having a good summer besides my failure on the job front. My friends that are searching for jobs are failing almost as much as me, so I don't feel too bad. There's this site called I've Tried That, which is really helpful in finding scams and stuff so I don't get burnt. I'm hoping that I'll be able to generate enough money to have my parents agree to help pay until I can pay them back. I'm looking into paid blogging, which won't be the super fun posts I normally have, but those will still be here so don't be too disappointed that I'm selling out. I just really need to earn money so I can attend this class. British Culture Through Theatre and Music! =D

Oh, yeah, the new ads that you see are going to earn me some money too, or so I hope. My faithful little readers, I promise that I will return this site to its indie roots as soon as I can afford to live without money. I'm just trying to get by. You can't really blame me for trying to make a little cash, right? I'm still the same silly woman who watches JONAS with her little sister and is trying to get a B.A. in Theatre and English. I'm just writing about diamond engagement rings and making you look at some adds now too. ;] No worries!

Must be the sign on my head that says: "Oh, love me dead!"

I don't want to hide behind it anymore but I've become so lost in me that I don't know who I am anymore.
Why does it seem to be that for every generation that grows up, they watch things get harder and grow more corrupt?
Believe in yourself and don't be afraid to have fun, be crazy, and love everyone as much as you love yourself. Be kind, too. No one likes a bitch. But if you meet someone who is mean and rude, give her the chance she deserves. Smile and be nice until she doesn't deserve your respect anymore, and then continue to smile and be nice. Don't allow her to make you feel like crap, but don't sink to her level either.
I took a teensy step forward and said "Hey...God? You can stop hitting me over the head with a two-by-four. I get it now." And so he put down the two-by-four and picked me up instead.
"Just because we don't ever hang out doesn't mean that I don't still love you. That will never be true."
I don't know how to do it or what to say or when to be there for him, but I have this obssesive need to save him before it all goes wrong.
There are two types of people in this world: those who see the truth and those who stare at it blindly. I'm afraid to be the one staring at it blindly.
I'm drowning, just as fast as I can, but don't reach out your hand, don't throw me a line, 'cause I'm on the brink of something beautiful.
I fall in love every day and I feel like a fool.
I'm a lot like you, so please, hello, I'm here, I'm waiting.
No one's going to realize you're having problems if you don't speak up.
I've been called everything under the sun.
So go ahead and call me names, I've grown used to it.
What can I say?
It's a bittersweet life I lead.
And I guess being who I am doesn't work with who you are.
What am I fighting for? There must be something more! For all these words I sing, do you feel anything? I said I'm okay, but I know how to lie.
After all this time? Always.
Always. In this one word, so much is summed up. There is promise, love, passion, rejection, hatred, pain, and most importantly, commitment. There is an entire life in that one word. =D
This has been my best kept secret for far too long.
the worst thing is that i'm afraid that i can't let go simply because i don't want to - that i find some sort of comfort in this feeling i've had for so long.
I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.
He would want revenge.
Somehow, [she] always seemed infinitely capable of failing those [she] loved.
Everytime you walk away, I pretend that I'm okay.
Break my heart! Go on, tell me lies. Big surprise.
Tell me something meaningful and real.
You really are my lucky star.
Don't say goodbye, 'cause I don't want to hear those words tonight.

You want to be dressed in poetry, but imagery doesn't fit.

This is the creation that the nine hours I spent in PHX resulted in:

flowering - deflowered?
not positive. not negative.
pushing petals, pushing me.
creatively writing a life.
perfect illusions, pathetic allusions.
not even trying, barely caring.
emotions flickering across the surface,
not registering on the Richter scal.
who am I kidding?
lies spread fast when you're the only one who believes.
_________________________________________________
11:09 AM

pumpkin problems.
I'm no cinderella.
fairytale princes don't even look.
best friend to the princess.
overlooked by all
there are perks to this job
I'm a wallflower
pretty enough to be forgotten
"not memorable"
blank, allowed to be nothing.
more or less.
power - less.
pumpkin?

_________________________________________________

why can't i understand?
why won't you let me in?
who are you to hurt me so?
why do i trust you even though
i know you are bad for me?
i'm so selfish. pathetic.
embarrassing. fat.
it only takes one step.
could i be free?
would you let me?
do you know you hold the keys?
scratch that.
you've got the whole damn shebang.
the glint of your hair is a warning
that not a soul can read.
i'm not the only one in hiding.

_________________________________________________

i can't get off the ground
barely lift my head
no strength or hope
pained and young
a tortured soul
a wish, a spark,
a glint in your hair
crushed, burnt,
head spinning wildly
out of control again
no clue, no common sense
just little old me
tall, young me really
so full of cliche and allusion
not even speaking words of my own

_________________________________________________
Cute boy @ PHX ... after seven hours.

hey look!
your hair glints just like his.
your smile is crooked and cute.
you remind me of neil patrick harris.
how cool.
but i'm shy and quiet.
you're on your laptop, again.
confusion never looked so good.
i want to text you little =]'s
or give you a hug,
'cause i'm tired and stressed.
home would be nice.
i miss my boys,
and your smile is just right.
i give good hugs, i promise.
my head hurts. again.
airports give me migraines.
i see you looking at me,
out of the corner of your eye.
are you writing about me too?
your tie makes you look good.
blue stripes that match your eyes.
those eyes... yum.
but your hair glints just like his
so i can't.
i'm running away now.

Oh, how I meant to tease him. Oh, how I meant no harm.

One would think that I would have better luck with airports, after 18 years of flying standby. Nope. I spent a wonderful NINE HOURS stuck in Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport yesterday, with a total of four dollars in my wallet and no access to an ATM because the only ATM in the airport is outside of security. Wonderful.
The trip to Arizona, however, was quite fun. I flew out Monday morning to see my best friend Melanie graduate high school. =] I got to see a lot of her family that I hadn't seen since I "was this tall". The height that each person gestured to was about the same, surprisingly. I hung out with Mel and her cousin Nick, mostly.

Side Note: I'm watching Benny & Joon right now, and Johnny Depp is ADORABLE. ^-^ I heart this movie, and I'm recognizing places! I'm definitely making grilled cheese with my iron next year. teehee.

We took a trip to the Grand Canyon, which was just as breathtaking as the first time I saw it with Mel when we were like twelve. I took lots of pictures - okay, I took forty while I was there - and although none of them do it justice, I'll probably include a few here, and there will definitely be an album on Facebook. We walked all over the place, and saw creepy gargantuan beetles, and heard weird clicking noises from every direction. We even got Mel to walk out to the edge and look over. It's a long way down!

I just loved my little mini-vacation, and now its on to the epic job search '09! If any of you hear of an opening, please let me know!

Everyone wants to know true love is true...

So I've apparently just failed at upkeep with this blog. =] It's almost finals week! I can't believe how fast freshman year has gone by.

I'm an ASM in Broadway Unbound this week, which means today and tomorrow and completely devoted to the theatre (except for that 7 page paper for Life/Teachings). I'm way too excited about spending 4-10pm in the theatre. I also applied to be House Manager next year! JTL really likes me, as does Jenn and Brooke. I'm slowly breaking into the department!

I miss you all so much. I picked up my Finals Survival Kit today - though it might turn into a theatre survival kit since I don't get to eat dinner tonight or tomorrow - and the notes were soooooo cute. Thanks guys!

I'm writing my seven page paper right now - which is technically a really long letter, but hey - about Jesus as a life guide! I pulled eight books off my shelf and had most of my necessary sources. =] I'm quite excited to write this letter, imaginary circumstances and all.

I just got back from rehearsal. 4-10:30. Gah. I'm dying. The headset that I wear as ASM gave me a headache. Tomorrow will go much smoother, though. I also learned how to switch gels! I could be a techie! Teehee.

Alright, I'm going to go finish my paper now. Toodleoo!

Right Here

I don't know if I'm ready
or if I'm only stalling
I don't know what to do
I'm so scared
I'm afraid

That I'll be the one
To love you or to hurt you
And that I'll be done
Before I can tell you
That I don't know where I'm going
But I'm thinking that you should be
Right here with me

I don't know how to tell you
That I think I'm falling
I don't know what to do
I'm so happy
I'm afraid

That I'll be the one
To love you or to hurt you
And that I'll be done
Before I can tell you
That I don't know where I'm going
But I'm thinking that you should be
Right here with me

I want you here beside me
I need to hear you love me
I don't want to hurt you
But I don't know how
& I'm afraid

That I'll be the one
To love you or to hurt you
And that I'll be done
Before I can tell you
That I don't know where I'm going
But I'm thinking that you should be
Right here with me

_______________________________________

Those are the lyrics to that song I said I wrote. It has a tune, as well, but I can't really write that down. I've got it in my head, though. ^-^ I don't know where it came from, honestly, but all of a sudden there was a song writing itself in my head. The bridge is still wonky, but its growing on me and might not change anymore. If you would like to hear it, let me know. I can sing it for you...if my nerves don't get the better of me.

For he was famous long ago for playing the electric violin on desolation row...

I kind of sort of almost DIED of happiness last night. Watchmen was appropriately epic, and one of the best adaptations I've ever seen. Quite possibly THE best comic book/graphic novel adaptation ever. Rorschach was incredible. Dr. Manhattan was PERFECT. Laurie was bitchy but loveable. Sally really does love The Comedian, who was slimy and gross. Ozymandias was the image of cheap, sleazy buttface who happens to be a genius. Nite Owl II was adorable, and Hollis was such a cute old guy. ^-^

Zack Snyder's stereotypical sporadic slow motion moments during the fight scenes came off much less cheesy than they did in 300. The sex scene was drawn out WAY too much - half a panel does not translate to five minutes - but the Silk Spectre I/Comedian incident was perfect. I'm really happy with the way they showed the history of the Minutemen/Watchmen, and glad that they pointed out the comic boy even if we didn't get the comic-within-a-comic in the movie.

I am saddened by the lack of squid, however. The alternative ending was well-done and made much more sense as an ending. However, it lost some of the gritty feel because things wrapped up a little. Heehee, I love that Silk Spectre I flirts with Nite Owl II even though he's dating her daughter. ;D I also love my amazing friends that didn't kill me for giggling my way through the movie.

Whoever sang Hallelujah in that movie was creepy as hell, though. I really disliked that version of the song. The rest of the soundtrack was divine. ^-^ I especially loved the cover of Desolation Row that played during the credits.

I'm going to stop squealing about this amazingness and take bio notes now. =D

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay.
Now that that's done.
I was accepted into the Jan Term program for next year.
British Culture Through Theatre and Music in LONDON.
I'm kind of FREAKING OUT.
OH MY GOSH. EGJNAIEFARNKGFAE.
My brain does not want to work because I am so happy.
I have a photosynthesis worksheet due tomorrow in biology and I can't concentrate because I am SO freaking happy.
Go me.
Also, this means I will actually meet the head of the theatre department because he's one of the professors for the trip. The other one is Debbie Hansen, from the music department. ^-^

I've been looking through the pictures from the last trip - mostly Rachel's and Ben's, because I don't know who else went - and I'm so stoked.
Trip of a lifetime.
Now for the money part.
Crap.

I know I should go, but I follow you like a man possesed.

There's a traitor here, beneath my breast, and it hurts me more than you've ever guessed. If my heart could beat, it would break my chest, but I can see you're unimpressed.

I made a mix cd for a friend this week. I can't stop listening to it the playlist now. It's one of those playlists that I could not play for many of my friends - the swearing in songs nine and fifteen put off most of them - but I really like it. It flows really well, I think...and something about it is just right.

1. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day
2. Faust Arp - radiohead
3. Headlock - Imogen Heap
4. How Many Kings - downhere
5. We're So Far Away - Mae
6. But It's Better If You Do - Panic! At the Disco
7. Here Comes The Sun - Beatles
8. Marvelous - Hillcrest Road
9. L. G. FUAD - Motion City Soundtrack
10. Your New Twin Size Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
11. What's My Age Again? - Blink-182
12. World Spins Madly On - The Weepies
13. Rest In Peace - James Marsters
14. Holding Out For A Hero - Frou Frou
15. Blankest Year - Nada Surf

Today is dry tech for Museum. I'm actually excited for tech. I miss my theatre. Speaking of which, I had an audition yesterday and although I didn't get a part, I had a BLAST auditioning. I can't Charleston for crap, though. ;D I'm about to run out the door to tech, actually. I'm working as a dresser and a docent.

Happiness Level: EXCELLENT. This week has been hard but good. My friends have been fighting a lot - apparently having a group of guy friends and a group of girl friends doesn't work for the girls - but I've just had a lot of fun. I <3 my Tiki, after all. Amazingly enough, they also have no problem with my referring to them as my Tiki. Although one of them might be more mine than the rest...but we'll see what happens there. The rest of my Tiki wants it to happen, and I know how I feel, I just don't know how he feels. I think my Tiki is more anxious about it than I am. It's very weird to have a whole dorm involved in your life. Well, half of the dorm. Whatever.

Oh, let's make this last forever, screaming hallelujah...

I learned how to play Halo tonight. =D It was so much fun. I really really like hanging out in Tiki with Charlie Brown, Jonathan, Kyle, Josh, Blake, Jordan, and everyone. Today was just a really really good day. I had a lot of fun, and was really happy all day.

I woke up at 11:30, went to lunch, did my homework in the library until dinner at six-ish. I went to dinner with Charlie Brown and Jonathan, and we had a very fun conversation. We headed back towards the BJ/Tiki area, and Charlie Brown went off to have a smoke, and I realized I'd left my bag back in Saga. Oops. Jonathan offered to escort me back to the HUB, and I gladly accepted. We walked back, grabbed my bag, and headed back towards the dorms. I ended up in Tiki playing Halo with Jonathan. Well, playing isn't really the word. Trying to learn, very very slowly. Then the rest of Tiki dragged us downstairs to play Halo with a big group. I failed miserably, was made fun of quite a lot, and had a lot of fun. =]

Also, I sang Right Here for Charlie Brown and he likes it a lot. I'm so proud of that little song. Aaaaand, suprise of all suprises, its a happy song. Yes, I can write happy things. ^-^ I'm still iffy about the bridge, but its fun. and it makes me happy. and i like being happy. and I'm going to bed because I have class tomorrow.

I don't know where I'm going, but I think you should be right here with me.

I may have...possibly...maybe...written a song. Only I don't speak music. crap. I recorded on my laptop so that I could remember the tune. I'm kind of really proud of it - although its not quite done yet - and so I thought I'd announce it here.

It's called Right Here.

I really like it. The bridge needs some work, because it sounds funky. My mic is having severe issues with this strange whistle noise that it picks up no matter what I do...but I figured out how to get rid of it - oh, how I <3 Audacity - so its not as noticeable anymore. Just the rare squeak once or twice.

I still haven't figured out my monologues yet. I know that I want to do Pauline Barrett's monologue from Spoon River Anthology, but I have no clue what my contrasting piece will be. EEEEEEK.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.

Humanity is kind of retarded. Why?

We're hypocritical, parasitic, filthy creatures. Somehow all of the crap we do is balanced out by rather amazing things... but we fight and complain and don't try to simply fix things when we noticed them. We are so blinded by our own depravity, and yet something in each of us pulls us past that to find the beauty in at least one other person.

I don't get it.

On a side note, I'm thinking more and more that I might go set up an appointment with one of the psychologists. We get six free visits a year, and I think that maybe talking might be good for me. Figure a few more things out.

I'm waiting desperately for my small group to start back up. I miss them so much. One of our leaders transferred to Eastern, and Matt is not taking the Small Group Leader class, so he isn't an official leader anymore. We're trying to figure out if we want a new leader, or to have one of us take the class, or just to meet as a group of friends. I don't care. I just want to see everyone and talk and have something make perfect sense for once.

I'm just sort of rambling along. Intro to Theatre isn't quite as boring as I thought it would be. We are reading some interesting plays and discussing the whole "Christian - Theatre" relationship and what that means. We're reading Deep River in Core right now and I can't decide if I love it, hate it, or something in between. There was talk of sweet potatoes, though, so that much is good. ^_^

It's the only way I've learned to express myself, through other people's descriptions of life.

I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless. ^-^

Rawr. So I decided that I wanted to figure out what monologues I was going to use for the theatre scholarship auditions. Auditions are not till April, but I definitely need all the help I can get. So I figured I would use Pauline Barrett's monologue from Spoon River Anthology, the one I did for Hockman's class. She said I delivered that monologue better than she did when she was in Spoon River Anthology. ^_^ That would be a serious, contemporary monologue, yes?

Well, how contrasting does my other one have to be? Like, does it have to be strictly a classic, comedic piece, or could it be a contemporary comedic piece, or a serious classic? I've no idea. I've got the Monologues for Young Actors that Hannah gave me - thanks! - and just checked out Alternative Shakespeare Auditions for Women and Monologues from Classic Plays. I'm scared to do something like Shakespeare, though, because its rather common and such.

Something random that made me smile inside today: I ran into Meghan - stage manager for my frosh on stage - and she totally remember me and was really happy to talk to me for the whole minute that we talked, since both of us were on our way somewhere else. I like knowing that random theatre people know who I am and like me enough to say hi. I miss being in the theatre. Museum (by Tina Howe) just started rehearsal, so I'll get to be back in there soon enough. I was taking a walk today, and started focusing on my music...and ended up directly in front of the theatre. My subconcious longs for me to be there! =D

All the things I could do if I had a little money...

It's a rich man's world.

CORE 150 starts today. I'm actually sitting in the lecture right now. Mom, don't shoot me. =] I don't think it is going to be as hard as everyone said it would. It actually sounds interesting. I can't wait for 250 - it's all philosophy. Derrida and Locke and everyone! I'm such a nerd.

Lol, okay, so thats all I actually wrote in Core because it got interesting. Classes went well. I'm going to enjoy Intro to Sociology, and I'm pretty sure that Life and Teachings of Jesus was made for me. I am so freaking excited for that class. It is going to be amazing. You seriously have no idea. Ask Whitney or Bryce how ridiculously excited I was after today's class. =D I failed earlier, and forgot to mention that I switch to Introductory Biology right about here. The class is supposedly for Elementary Ed. majors only, but there are five of us in the class that are not majoring in that. I'm pretty sure that two or three of them are dropping the class, but I'm staying. Nothing else fits in my schedule.

All I've got left is my discussion group for Core. Megan and Aileen are in that, so I think it will be great. Karen might make it into my Intro to Theatre class, which would be a total blast. ^_^ All in all, I think this semester will be an excellent one. I had a job interview today that went rather well, and I might pick up some babysitting for a family that just moved into the neighborhood.

And then one day, I'll cross the river...

I'll fight life's final war with pain.

I'm sitting quite nervously at my desk waiting for a phone call - for an interview. Yes, that's right, another interview. Hopefully something comes of this one. I'm really nervous though. This entry is more about my nerves than anything else.

Whitney just had her phone interview and said it went really well - in person interview scheduled and everything. Lots of cheesy questions about why you like Whitworth and such. ^_^ I'm hoping it will go well for me too. I'd be really sad if Whitney got this job and I didn't. I'll just try my best to be friendly and upbeat. *cough* Who am I kidding? Me, friendly and upbeat? Okay, not that rare actually. Just much more rare when I'm nervous. Writing all of this is helping calm the nerves though. She should call any minute now. Eeep.

Hahaha. It was like talking to someone from home or filling out a scholarship application. Why are you here at Whitworth? What would you change? It was a breeze. All those nerves for nothing. I have a personal interview set up, too. ^_^ I really hope this works out.

I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is it's okay.

So today I had a rather amazing conversation with a certain friend who seems to be really good at such conversations - Bryce. I know he's a jerkface and all, but he's a great guy when it comes down to it. The conversation helped me realize how stupid I've been about some of my self-doubts and how right I've been about some of my others. I feel that writing out some of my many realizations will help assure my mother and other people that I'm not dying or anything out in Spokane. Not all of these realizations came directly from said conversation, but today's been a thinking day.

God knows me. I need to stop doubting this. Sometimes I push him away like I push everyone else away, but he is always there. I need to reach out to him more and open myself to him, because i can feel him smiling at me right now and I like that. I like being able to feel again. He has so much in store for me, and he loves me even though I'm a total idiot sometimes.

I'm not going to lose my good friends. Unless I am the biggest idiot on the face of the planet, Bryce and Tiana and starshine and Melanie and Caitlin and Charlie Brown will not leave me. These people really, truly love me, and I don't know why thats so hard for me to understand. I don't need to hang out with them 24/7. They are there for me when it really matters, and I am sitting right here waiting to be here for them when they need me, and that is all we need. I am incredibly blessed with the fact that I have six whole friends that I can not talk to for months and then sit down and have deep conversation like nothing's changed and we just saw each other two seconds ago. I don't know how on earth I got to be so lucky, but I am very glad that I am. Those five people are touched by God, and I might be the luckiest girl alive to have such amazing people in my life.

No matter how much I complain about her and she complains about me, my mom loves me. I freak out about her a lot. She's overprotective and annoying and looks too much like me - which is really unfair, cause its me that looks like her - and I'm totally irrational about it. She is a very good mother most of the time, and although we have our fights *coughridiculousblowoutscough*, I love her a lot. She is a little overprotective considering I'm eighteen, but I know its because she loves me and it could be a lot worse. She pushes me a lot and its because she wants me to take initiative and stop being a lazy teenager - which I should do.

One of the things I've been right about is that this group of mine has issues. The very fact that I can call it a group says a lot. We are very much a clique. We are just as exclusive and obnoxious as the other group in our hall. Worse, we are hypocrites because we complain about the other group so much, even though we are the same. I feel that I really need to branch out of this group. I love you guys dearly, but I don't want you to be the only people I know. I have a very big problem with the way our group is headed - becoming more controlling and exclusive. You guys have been telling me for a month or two now to stop being friends with one of my best guy friends because you don't like him and "he's not good enough" for me. Bullshit. I know him better than any of you, and I'm sorry, but he comes first. You can't control who I'm friends with. Thus, I'm going to start trying to branch out. Hang out with other people more. Live in the theatre a little bit. Visit new dorms. I don't want an extension of high school anymore.

I'm an abusive jerk. I can be a total asshole. I'm stubborn. I'm prideful. I'm almost as bad as Darcy. "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever." Most of the time, I'm being mean in fun, but I can be a spiteful bitch too. Please, please, please, tell me if I'm doing that. I'm really bad at seeing my own problems, and there are enough of you who know me well enough to slap me across the face and tell me I'm an idiot. I get jealous easily. I'm lazy. I think I know everything. BUT. I know that I've got these problems, and more besides. I want to fix them. Tell me when I'm being an idiot. Help me stop.

I have more thoughts bouncing in my head, but I think this is a good stopping point. I'm going to bed now, and tomorrow (today?) is a new day. I think I'll start it by reading a Bible verse.

Are we human, or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue, send my condolences to good. Give my regards to soul and romance, they always did the best they could, and so long to devotion. You taught me everything I know. Wave goodbye. Wish me well. You've got to let me go.

I'm not sure exactly what this is. It's not a plea for help or a cry for attention, because I don't need or want that superficiality that comes along with such things. I think that I have a desperate need to make certain people understand, and part of me doesn't even think that they will bother to read it. They won't notice. I swear I'm made of cellophane, because all you people look at me like I'm not there.

I don't know what to think right now. I feel that this is where God wants me to be, where I am supposed to be, and yet I don't feel like I belong here. The longer I'm here, the more I feel that this is not for me. Even though I haven't accomplished whatever I am here for, suddenly I feel that home is concept I will never have. I was recently told by my mother that she wants me to live on my own this summer. Her reasoning is clear and simple, and makes a lot of sense when you think rationally. But a large part of my brain thinks irrationally, and all I want to think about is how I'm going to end up living in a cardboard box all summer because my mom is kicking me out. I want to overreact because its easier to handle it when its something so serious...but that is not how a somewhat grown-up woman should handle this. I've taken on more responsibility in my life than I ever have, and I'm scared to death. I don't think I can do this. I really don't. I don't think I can survive four years of college. I don't think I will make it through the summer.

A summer of living on my own, whether it be at my Grandma's, or hopping from friend to friend, or living in the Tercel in the driveway, or simply finding a nice comfy box, would hurt me. No transportation, small likelihood of a job, having nowhere to put all of my stuff that is currently here, no way to support myself with food or hygiene matters...not to mention that I simply have no clue how to do crap about anything. I still have to fill out my FAFSA, and that is causing me to panic. How the hell am I supposed to support myself for a whole summer?

Oh, and then there's this whole friend thing. I'm not very good at it. I push people away quite often, and the closer you get the more I want to hate you for pushing your way past my walls and barriers. Part of me wants to be alone, because then I don't have to deal with being slowly pushed out of yet another group of friends, or worse tearing apart a group of friends accidentally. But there is this tiny, desperate part of me wants to be able to hold onto more than one person for the rest of my life. I love my best friend, and at this point I don't think there is anything that can pull me and Mel apart...but everyone else seems to just drift right out after awhile. Maybe its not on purpose, maybe I'm just so paranoid about losing people that I push them out before the loss can hurt me...but maybe not. and that last, tiny little maybe eats at me.

Maybe I don't make enough effort. Maybe I'm simply not good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or ______ enough. Maybe I'm simply annoying as hell. Maybe I'm as invisible as I feel sometimes. Maybe none of you care. Maybe I just can't find the right people. Maybe it's not me, it's you. Maybe I should stop thinking about all of these maybes, since each one poisons me. Maybe there isn't a person in this world that can handle my personality. Maybe I'm too strong-willed and quiet. Maybe my mind just doesn't work the same way yours does. Maybe you could try to understand?

I'm sorry to have bothered everyone who actually wastes their time reading this. I realize that I am more or less worthless to you all. I'm okay with that most of the time. I could be a hermit for the rest of my life if there weren't all of these people everywhere. I selected the people that I thought had a right to at least try and understand why I am the way I am, and I realize that I probably don't make a lot of sense but I couldn't fall asleep until five in the morning so I'm just a little incoherent. I sincerely hope that one of you actually understands, or at least takes the time to try and understand before you jump to conclusions like so many of you have done in the past.

________________________________________________________

I wrote this about a week ago, and posted it on Facebook, allowing only a very specific 18 people to see it. I'm feeling somewhat less frazzled now - but I'm not sure if I feel better yet. I felt okay with letting other people see this - namely my mother and youth leader - because of the ridiculous barrage of people attempting to make everything perfect.

I don't need things to be perfect. Perfect would be scary. I simply want to understand things, and it is awfully hard to understand anything if you don't understand yourself. But for me to understand, I need to write, to act, to explore, and to not be held back. I need to help other people understand little bits of themselves, and thus understand a little bit of me. I need to do my homework - and yet again, not disrupt my personal followings. I don't know how to balance things out yet, but I'm learning, learning, forever learning.

I wrote this just now in another spot, where I was attempting to being an essay thats due on Thursday: "Kjfklhedeiwgj I don’t want to write an essay. I don’t want to think or analyze or anything because then I might actually start to see the lies I’ve placed in your hands and the truths that are hidden in them. My whole life is in your hands right now, and I don’t like it one bit. Now if only I could convince myself to put my life in the hands of He who wants it the most."

I've only been truly open with maybe three or four people in my entire life. It scares the shit out of me that these people have so much power over me. I feel now that maybe I've never been as close to God as I thought - although I've had those camp highs, it's never really been a continous thing. I look at people here, like Jacquie, and people from before, like Tiana, and I see so much of the Lord in the who they are. I genuinely want that, but I'm so afraid. I want His unconditional love and acceptance, because I know that is something I cannot find anywhere else. Humans are not capable of the same type of love as God is, and I want it. I've got that one song stuck in my head - the one that goes "You give me love that's unspeakable, and I like it."

Joy - The Newsboys

I want that. I want to be happy. I think I've forgotten what its like to have true joy. I've had my moments of happiness and even bliss, but the unending joy that perseveres through the tough times? I can recall having it once, but I don't really remember what it felt like or anything. It feels like I've just been tripping through a fog, attempting to find my way without diving in. Is that what this is supposed to feel like?

Also, for the first time in many years, I'm truly doubting what I want to do with my life. I wrote so many essays stating that I've always known that I wanted to work with English. Maybe I was wrong. I fear that I'm not strong enough to be a teacher, and I'm not talented enough to be an author or an actor. I've had doubts before, but they were never serious.

I stopped writing this to actually work on my essay and now I don't remember what else I had to say. Here goes.