Today, I am helping my mother get ready to go on the Middle School Great Adventure with many of my friends and darling middle school students. It feels really weird to sit calmly at home while Stephie and Brandon and Bryce and Hannah and Ruth and everyone is getting everything together last minute. I know way too much about the trip - even your super secret location, Hannah! - and so it feels like I should be going, even though I haven't been a middle school leader for a year now.
I'm realizing that I honestly miss working with the middle school youth group. While I adore the 1st and 2nd grade kids that I'm leading at VBS, something is missing, and I think its the fact that I can't carry a coherent conversation with the 1st and 2nd grade students. I suppose this means that I'll end up volunteering with a middle school youth group again, and I might even end up like Ruth and continue to do it until I'm confined to a wheelchair. I truly miss it.
At the same time, I know that being a youth leader is not my calling. I'm not Bryce or Kenny. God has something else planned for me, but I can't help but think that he made me for multiple purposes, and that one of them may be volunteer youth work. I want to be a vessel for God, but sometimes its hard to decide if I'm following his wishes or simply my desires. I was so convinced that God wanted me to be a schoolmarm but now I feel like that was just me reconciling my dreams with my parents expectations. I know that I love English and Theatre, and that I have been given talent in English, if not in Theatre as well. I know that I love working with middle school students in the name of the Lord, and that I love being involved in my church. How does that all fit together?
Something I've been struggling with lately is trying to be just me. I don't want to be my mom, or Mrs. Hockman, or even Hannah. I want to be me. That's why I hate it so much when people tell me I look like my mom, or that I've got the same handwriting as my dad. I resented being told that I was going to be the next Mrs. Hockman, and even being told that I reminded some of my favorite mentors of themselves. Can't I just be me and not be this strange compilation of other people? I know its meant to be a compliment most of the time, but I can't help but be irritated every time I hear something like that.
I've successfully gone on a few tangents and I'm going to attempt to bring it back to the MSYG trip. There, look, I did it! =P No matter how much I wish I could be a leader still, I'm so excited for you guys to go and work with those kids. I'll be a leader on the prayer front here, and I await all of the fun stories with mixed feelings. Have a wonderful week, my friends on the Adventure, and I will miss you.
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Now playing: Jonas Brothers - I Am What I Am
via FoxyTunes
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