I should be happy. I should be gloriously happy. My life is wonderful. I have spectacular friends. I'm surrounded by uplifting, genuinely honest and beautiful people. I love my job, even when I'm doing the boring stuff. I have so much good in my life, and yet the tiniest thing can get me down. I swear there is a disconnect in my brain. It's like my heart/mind refuses to be happy. I am so proud of where I've gone since I decided I was going somewhere, and yet I react like I have done nothing. No, worse than that. Like I am nothing. I know that isn't true, and yet I can't seem to act on that knowledge. I should be happy. Why am I not?
It's so nice to have people around me. People who stop me from doing stupid things. People who give me hugs and save me ticker tape because it was the best free souvenir they could find from the concert that I should have gone to with them. I need to find a way to connect the part of me that is so happy and grateful to have friends like mine with the part of me that feels continually alone. For all of the happy things I am experiencing, I still find myself writing things like this entry and this little bit of poetry that refuses to grow:
the words have a song
and the song isn't me
i think the song's you
but you don't want to be
I don't understand how I can have a disconnect this severe in my mind. I am worth something, and I am sick of the rest of me not remembering that. I feel like I'm a pathetic high school kid all over again, but I know that this is not something that will be fixed by letting it slide away. I've been trying that for too long. It's like I live inside my head. I don't participate in my own life. I'm so passive, and that's why I end up discontent after I've successfully made everyone else happy. For all the people I love and all of the lives I work so hard to improve, I do nothing for myself. I don't think I can even pass it off as being Christian or unselfish or anything at all that is so good - I'm just neglecting myself in every way I can that isn't obvious to the naked eye.
...you should probably not know how much I'm falling apart right now, but I'm sick of being the strong one.
25 June 2011
20 June 2011
It was really, really good...
You made me happy every single day, but now I've got to go away!
I am rather extremely dissatisfied with my life right now. I'm trying to figure out why so I can fix it and thus be somewhat happy again. It has something to do with the showing of Rocky Horror that I recently attended with people that I consider to be good friends. I felt uncomfortable and out of pace all night. Rocky Horror, for me, is something special that isn't about how hot you are or how talented you are - it's about being yourself and having fun and making a fool of yourself. I just couldn't enjoy it like that this time, because all they said all night was "Damn! Look at how hot we are!"... except that I didn't feel "hot" - I felt uncomfortable and out of place. You can tell in the pictures. There is just such a disconnect between how I see the world and how all of them see the world.
As we were getting ready, we were watching Taken - which I had never seen before. As it came to the big final battle where Liam Neeson is badass and kills everyone in order to save his daughter, I got increasingly uncomfortable. There was a point where he injured someone enough that he could have gotten away and kept moving, and instead took the time to kill the man even though he had a wife and children waiting for him (which had been stated in the movie). In true Maery fashion, I yelled at Liam Neeson not to kill him because he had children. Isabel gave me her utter-disgust-with-how-awful-you-are face and said something along the lines of "I don't fucking care. He's evil." I left it at that because Isabel could probably kill me if she wanted to, but it bothered me for awhile. Obviously, it is still bothering me since I'm writing about it here. The fact that he was still human and still had a life worth living rung so true in my heart that I couldn't understand how they didn't agree with me, but then I think about how elated everyone was when Osama bin Laden died and I'm shocked at how bloodthirsty Americans are when it comes to those deemed "evil". Then again, I've always loved the darker characters in books...
On a completely unrelated and entirely lighter note, Weird Al Yankovic's mother is named "Mary Elizabeth" and it makes me really happy.
I am rather extremely dissatisfied with my life right now. I'm trying to figure out why so I can fix it and thus be somewhat happy again. It has something to do with the showing of Rocky Horror that I recently attended with people that I consider to be good friends. I felt uncomfortable and out of pace all night. Rocky Horror, for me, is something special that isn't about how hot you are or how talented you are - it's about being yourself and having fun and making a fool of yourself. I just couldn't enjoy it like that this time, because all they said all night was "Damn! Look at how hot we are!"... except that I didn't feel "hot" - I felt uncomfortable and out of place. You can tell in the pictures. There is just such a disconnect between how I see the world and how all of them see the world.
As we were getting ready, we were watching Taken - which I had never seen before. As it came to the big final battle where Liam Neeson is badass and kills everyone in order to save his daughter, I got increasingly uncomfortable. There was a point where he injured someone enough that he could have gotten away and kept moving, and instead took the time to kill the man even though he had a wife and children waiting for him (which had been stated in the movie). In true Maery fashion, I yelled at Liam Neeson not to kill him because he had children. Isabel gave me her utter-disgust-with-how-awful-you-are face and said something along the lines of "I don't fucking care. He's evil." I left it at that because Isabel could probably kill me if she wanted to, but it bothered me for awhile. Obviously, it is still bothering me since I'm writing about it here. The fact that he was still human and still had a life worth living rung so true in my heart that I couldn't understand how they didn't agree with me, but then I think about how elated everyone was when Osama bin Laden died and I'm shocked at how bloodthirsty Americans are when it comes to those deemed "evil". Then again, I've always loved the darker characters in books...
On a completely unrelated and entirely lighter note, Weird Al Yankovic's mother is named "Mary Elizabeth" and it makes me really happy.
15 June 2011
What's an angel like you ever do with a devil like me?
The end of this school year (my junior year of college, for those who can't keep up) has reminded me just how introverted I am. Friendships I thought were lost have suddenly grown back due to some much needed one-on-one time, and friendships I never thought I'd have blossomed quietly. I'm still the quiet girl in the background, but I've learned (at least a little) to be okay with being a wallflower. Having just re-read The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the millionth time since jolsby gave it to me freshman year for Christmas [when we were not on speaking terms], I know that there are many blessings to being the observer. I just need to learn to participate in my own life a little bit.
I'm so sick of sitting around and waiting for things to happen. While my current frustration is romantic in nature, I've come to realize that if I had just spoken up about a couple of different issues this past year, things would have turned out much better. I don't think I'll ever be able to speak up about how much it bugs me to be the 'ugly' girl of the group, but that is mostly because none of the girls would ever agree with me. Being as close as I am with so very many guys, it is something I've come to accept about myself. I would never trade what I do have - incredible friendships - for what I've seen so many of my beautiful friends go through. While I wish desperately at times to be loved and cherished, I know that there are more important things, like God's love for me and the fact that I am finally at least a little bit proud of who I am.
My new room is really cold, mostly because it is in the basement. Maybe also because we haven't figured out how to turn the heat on yet. I'm loving having my own room, and living in a house, but I don't spend much time here since I'm working so much and always seem to end up at Caitlin and Dana's house. I definitely need to spend some quality time just relaxing in my room (and maybe finishing the organizing). The worst part of this summer (that I can foresee) is my current utter lack of guy friends. As a girl who spends most of her time playing with the boys (...forgive me, I just watched Top Gun for the first time...), trying to survive without any male presence other than a few of the staff at work is awful. I love the girls to death, but there is really no one I can be nerdy around now, let alone someone that can read my mind the way so many of my guy friends have learned. I really, truly miss having nerdy conversations and learning nerdy things because all of my guy friends are nerdier than me (except Kurt). I'm literally counting the days until Preston comes to see KISS because it means I get to have a guy friend for a few short hours.
Speaking of Preston, I'm going to see Motley Crue (with Poison and the New York Dolls) in August with him and Reid. It will be so incredibly epic. Thank you, God, for friends like those two.
I'm so sick of sitting around and waiting for things to happen. While my current frustration is romantic in nature, I've come to realize that if I had just spoken up about a couple of different issues this past year, things would have turned out much better. I don't think I'll ever be able to speak up about how much it bugs me to be the 'ugly' girl of the group, but that is mostly because none of the girls would ever agree with me. Being as close as I am with so very many guys, it is something I've come to accept about myself. I would never trade what I do have - incredible friendships - for what I've seen so many of my beautiful friends go through. While I wish desperately at times to be loved and cherished, I know that there are more important things, like God's love for me and the fact that I am finally at least a little bit proud of who I am.
My new room is really cold, mostly because it is in the basement. Maybe also because we haven't figured out how to turn the heat on yet. I'm loving having my own room, and living in a house, but I don't spend much time here since I'm working so much and always seem to end up at Caitlin and Dana's house. I definitely need to spend some quality time just relaxing in my room (and maybe finishing the organizing). The worst part of this summer (that I can foresee) is my current utter lack of guy friends. As a girl who spends most of her time playing with the boys (...forgive me, I just watched Top Gun for the first time...), trying to survive without any male presence other than a few of the staff at work is awful. I love the girls to death, but there is really no one I can be nerdy around now, let alone someone that can read my mind the way so many of my guy friends have learned. I really, truly miss having nerdy conversations and learning nerdy things because all of my guy friends are nerdier than me (except Kurt). I'm literally counting the days until Preston comes to see KISS because it means I get to have a guy friend for a few short hours.
Speaking of Preston, I'm going to see Motley Crue (with Poison and the New York Dolls) in August with him and Reid. It will be so incredibly epic. Thank you, God, for friends like those two.
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