There's a traitor here, beneath my breast, and it hurts me more than you've ever guessed. If my heart could beat, it would break my chest, but I can see you're unimpressed.
I made a mix cd for a friend this week. I can't stop listening to it the playlist now. It's one of those playlists that I could not play for many of my friends - the swearing in songs nine and fifteen put off most of them - but I really like it. It flows really well, I think...and something about it is just right.
1. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day
2. Faust Arp - radiohead
3. Headlock - Imogen Heap
4. How Many Kings - downhere
5. We're So Far Away - Mae
6. But It's Better If You Do - Panic! At the Disco
7. Here Comes The Sun - Beatles
8. Marvelous - Hillcrest Road
9. L. G. FUAD - Motion City Soundtrack
10. Your New Twin Size Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
11. What's My Age Again? - Blink-182
12. World Spins Madly On - The Weepies
13. Rest In Peace - James Marsters
14. Holding Out For A Hero - Frou Frou
15. Blankest Year - Nada Surf
Today is dry tech for Museum. I'm actually excited for tech. I miss my theatre. Speaking of which, I had an audition yesterday and although I didn't get a part, I had a BLAST auditioning. I can't Charleston for crap, though. ;D I'm about to run out the door to tech, actually. I'm working as a dresser and a docent.
Happiness Level: EXCELLENT. This week has been hard but good. My friends have been fighting a lot - apparently having a group of guy friends and a group of girl friends doesn't work for the girls - but I've just had a lot of fun. I <3 my Tiki, after all. Amazingly enough, they also have no problem with my referring to them as my Tiki. Although one of them might be more mine than the rest...but we'll see what happens there. The rest of my Tiki wants it to happen, and I know how I feel, I just don't know how he feels. I think my Tiki is more anxious about it than I am. It's very weird to have a whole dorm involved in your life. Well, half of the dorm. Whatever.
28 February 2009
16 February 2009
Oh, let's make this last forever, screaming hallelujah...
I learned how to play Halo tonight. =D It was so much fun. I really really like hanging out in Tiki with Charlie Brown, Jonathan, Kyle, Josh, Blake, Jordan, and everyone. Today was just a really really good day. I had a lot of fun, and was really happy all day.
I woke up at 11:30, went to lunch, did my homework in the library until dinner at six-ish. I went to dinner with Charlie Brown and Jonathan, and we had a very fun conversation. We headed back towards the BJ/Tiki area, and Charlie Brown went off to have a smoke, and I realized I'd left my bag back in Saga. Oops. Jonathan offered to escort me back to the HUB, and I gladly accepted. We walked back, grabbed my bag, and headed back towards the dorms. I ended up in Tiki playing Halo with Jonathan. Well, playing isn't really the word. Trying to learn, very very slowly. Then the rest of Tiki dragged us downstairs to play Halo with a big group. I failed miserably, was made fun of quite a lot, and had a lot of fun. =]
Also, I sang Right Here for Charlie Brown and he likes it a lot. I'm so proud of that little song. Aaaaand, suprise of all suprises, its a happy song. Yes, I can write happy things. ^-^ I'm still iffy about the bridge, but its fun. and it makes me happy. and i like being happy. and I'm going to bed because I have class tomorrow.
I woke up at 11:30, went to lunch, did my homework in the library until dinner at six-ish. I went to dinner with Charlie Brown and Jonathan, and we had a very fun conversation. We headed back towards the BJ/Tiki area, and Charlie Brown went off to have a smoke, and I realized I'd left my bag back in Saga. Oops. Jonathan offered to escort me back to the HUB, and I gladly accepted. We walked back, grabbed my bag, and headed back towards the dorms. I ended up in Tiki playing Halo with Jonathan. Well, playing isn't really the word. Trying to learn, very very slowly. Then the rest of Tiki dragged us downstairs to play Halo with a big group. I failed miserably, was made fun of quite a lot, and had a lot of fun. =]
Also, I sang Right Here for Charlie Brown and he likes it a lot. I'm so proud of that little song. Aaaaand, suprise of all suprises, its a happy song. Yes, I can write happy things. ^-^ I'm still iffy about the bridge, but its fun. and it makes me happy. and i like being happy. and I'm going to bed because I have class tomorrow.
12 February 2009
I don't know where I'm going, but I think you should be right here with me.
I may have...possibly...maybe...written a song. Only I don't speak music. crap. I recorded on my laptop so that I could remember the tune. I'm kind of really proud of it - although its not quite done yet - and so I thought I'd announce it here.
It's called Right Here.
I really like it. The bridge needs some work, because it sounds funky. My mic is having severe issues with this strange whistle noise that it picks up no matter what I do...but I figured out how to get rid of it - oh, how I <3 Audacity - so its not as noticeable anymore. Just the rare squeak once or twice.
I still haven't figured out my monologues yet. I know that I want to do Pauline Barrett's monologue from Spoon River Anthology, but I have no clue what my contrasting piece will be. EEEEEEK.
It's called Right Here.
I really like it. The bridge needs some work, because it sounds funky. My mic is having severe issues with this strange whistle noise that it picks up no matter what I do...but I figured out how to get rid of it - oh, how I <3 Audacity - so its not as noticeable anymore. Just the rare squeak once or twice.
I still haven't figured out my monologues yet. I know that I want to do Pauline Barrett's monologue from Spoon River Anthology, but I have no clue what my contrasting piece will be. EEEEEEK.
08 February 2009
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
Humanity is kind of retarded. Why?
We're hypocritical, parasitic, filthy creatures. Somehow all of the crap we do is balanced out by rather amazing things... but we fight and complain and don't try to simply fix things when we noticed them. We are so blinded by our own depravity, and yet something in each of us pulls us past that to find the beauty in at least one other person.
I don't get it.
On a side note, I'm thinking more and more that I might go set up an appointment with one of the psychologists. We get six free visits a year, and I think that maybe talking might be good for me. Figure a few more things out.
I'm waiting desperately for my small group to start back up. I miss them so much. One of our leaders transferred to Eastern, and Matt is not taking the Small Group Leader class, so he isn't an official leader anymore. We're trying to figure out if we want a new leader, or to have one of us take the class, or just to meet as a group of friends. I don't care. I just want to see everyone and talk and have something make perfect sense for once.
I'm just sort of rambling along. Intro to Theatre isn't quite as boring as I thought it would be. We are reading some interesting plays and discussing the whole "Christian - Theatre" relationship and what that means. We're reading Deep River in Core right now and I can't decide if I love it, hate it, or something in between. There was talk of sweet potatoes, though, so that much is good. ^_^
We're hypocritical, parasitic, filthy creatures. Somehow all of the crap we do is balanced out by rather amazing things... but we fight and complain and don't try to simply fix things when we noticed them. We are so blinded by our own depravity, and yet something in each of us pulls us past that to find the beauty in at least one other person.
I don't get it.
On a side note, I'm thinking more and more that I might go set up an appointment with one of the psychologists. We get six free visits a year, and I think that maybe talking might be good for me. Figure a few more things out.
I'm waiting desperately for my small group to start back up. I miss them so much. One of our leaders transferred to Eastern, and Matt is not taking the Small Group Leader class, so he isn't an official leader anymore. We're trying to figure out if we want a new leader, or to have one of us take the class, or just to meet as a group of friends. I don't care. I just want to see everyone and talk and have something make perfect sense for once.
I'm just sort of rambling along. Intro to Theatre isn't quite as boring as I thought it would be. We are reading some interesting plays and discussing the whole "Christian - Theatre" relationship and what that means. We're reading Deep River in Core right now and I can't decide if I love it, hate it, or something in between. There was talk of sweet potatoes, though, so that much is good. ^_^
05 February 2009
It's the only way I've learned to express myself, through other people's descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless. ^-^
Rawr. So I decided that I wanted to figure out what monologues I was going to use for the theatre scholarship auditions. Auditions are not till April, but I definitely need all the help I can get. So I figured I would use Pauline Barrett's monologue from Spoon River Anthology, the one I did for Hockman's class. She said I delivered that monologue better than she did when she was in Spoon River Anthology. ^_^ That would be a serious, contemporary monologue, yes?
Well, how contrasting does my other one have to be? Like, does it have to be strictly a classic, comedic piece, or could it be a contemporary comedic piece, or a serious classic? I've no idea. I've got the Monologues for Young Actors that Hannah gave me - thanks! - and just checked out Alternative Shakespeare Auditions for Women and Monologues from Classic Plays. I'm scared to do something like Shakespeare, though, because its rather common and such.
Something random that made me smile inside today: I ran into Meghan - stage manager for my frosh on stage - and she totally remember me and was really happy to talk to me for the whole minute that we talked, since both of us were on our way somewhere else. I like knowing that random theatre people know who I am and like me enough to say hi. I miss being in the theatre. Museum (by Tina Howe) just started rehearsal, so I'll get to be back in there soon enough. I was taking a walk today, and started focusing on my music...and ended up directly in front of the theatre. My subconcious longs for me to be there! =D
Rawr. So I decided that I wanted to figure out what monologues I was going to use for the theatre scholarship auditions. Auditions are not till April, but I definitely need all the help I can get. So I figured I would use Pauline Barrett's monologue from Spoon River Anthology, the one I did for Hockman's class. She said I delivered that monologue better than she did when she was in Spoon River Anthology. ^_^ That would be a serious, contemporary monologue, yes?
Well, how contrasting does my other one have to be? Like, does it have to be strictly a classic, comedic piece, or could it be a contemporary comedic piece, or a serious classic? I've no idea. I've got the Monologues for Young Actors that Hannah gave me - thanks! - and just checked out Alternative Shakespeare Auditions for Women and Monologues from Classic Plays. I'm scared to do something like Shakespeare, though, because its rather common and such.
Something random that made me smile inside today: I ran into Meghan - stage manager for my frosh on stage - and she totally remember me and was really happy to talk to me for the whole minute that we talked, since both of us were on our way somewhere else. I like knowing that random theatre people know who I am and like me enough to say hi. I miss being in the theatre. Museum (by Tina Howe) just started rehearsal, so I'll get to be back in there soon enough. I was taking a walk today, and started focusing on my music...and ended up directly in front of the theatre. My subconcious longs for me to be there! =D
04 February 2009
All the things I could do if I had a little money...
It's a rich man's world.
CORE 150 starts today. I'm actually sitting in the lecture right now. Mom, don't shoot me. =] I don't think it is going to be as hard as everyone said it would. It actually sounds interesting. I can't wait for 250 - it's all philosophy. Derrida and Locke and everyone! I'm such a nerd.
Lol, okay, so thats all I actually wrote in Core because it got interesting. Classes went well. I'm going to enjoy Intro to Sociology, and I'm pretty sure that Life and Teachings of Jesus was made for me. I am so freaking excited for that class. It is going to be amazing. You seriously have no idea. Ask Whitney or Bryce how ridiculously excited I was after today's class. =D I failed earlier, and forgot to mention that I switch to Introductory Biology right about here. The class is supposedly for Elementary Ed. majors only, but there are five of us in the class that are not majoring in that. I'm pretty sure that two or three of them are dropping the class, but I'm staying. Nothing else fits in my schedule.
All I've got left is my discussion group for Core. Megan and Aileen are in that, so I think it will be great. Karen might make it into my Intro to Theatre class, which would be a total blast. ^_^ All in all, I think this semester will be an excellent one. I had a job interview today that went rather well, and I might pick up some babysitting for a family that just moved into the neighborhood.
CORE 150 starts today. I'm actually sitting in the lecture right now. Mom, don't shoot me. =] I don't think it is going to be as hard as everyone said it would. It actually sounds interesting. I can't wait for 250 - it's all philosophy. Derrida and Locke and everyone! I'm such a nerd.
Lol, okay, so thats all I actually wrote in Core because it got interesting. Classes went well. I'm going to enjoy Intro to Sociology, and I'm pretty sure that Life and Teachings of Jesus was made for me. I am so freaking excited for that class. It is going to be amazing. You seriously have no idea. Ask Whitney or Bryce how ridiculously excited I was after today's class. =D I failed earlier, and forgot to mention that I switch to Introductory Biology right about here. The class is supposedly for Elementary Ed. majors only, but there are five of us in the class that are not majoring in that. I'm pretty sure that two or three of them are dropping the class, but I'm staying. Nothing else fits in my schedule.
All I've got left is my discussion group for Core. Megan and Aileen are in that, so I think it will be great. Karen might make it into my Intro to Theatre class, which would be a total blast. ^_^ All in all, I think this semester will be an excellent one. I had a job interview today that went rather well, and I might pick up some babysitting for a family that just moved into the neighborhood.
02 February 2009
And then one day, I'll cross the river...
I'll fight life's final war with pain.
I'm sitting quite nervously at my desk waiting for a phone call - for an interview. Yes, that's right, another interview. Hopefully something comes of this one. I'm really nervous though. This entry is more about my nerves than anything else.
Whitney just had her phone interview and said it went really well - in person interview scheduled and everything. Lots of cheesy questions about why you like Whitworth and such. ^_^ I'm hoping it will go well for me too. I'd be really sad if Whitney got this job and I didn't. I'll just try my best to be friendly and upbeat. *cough* Who am I kidding? Me, friendly and upbeat? Okay, not that rare actually. Just much more rare when I'm nervous. Writing all of this is helping calm the nerves though. She should call any minute now. Eeep.
Hahaha. It was like talking to someone from home or filling out a scholarship application. Why are you here at Whitworth? What would you change? It was a breeze. All those nerves for nothing. I have a personal interview set up, too. ^_^ I really hope this works out.
I'm sitting quite nervously at my desk waiting for a phone call - for an interview. Yes, that's right, another interview. Hopefully something comes of this one. I'm really nervous though. This entry is more about my nerves than anything else.
Whitney just had her phone interview and said it went really well - in person interview scheduled and everything. Lots of cheesy questions about why you like Whitworth and such. ^_^ I'm hoping it will go well for me too. I'd be really sad if Whitney got this job and I didn't. I'll just try my best to be friendly and upbeat. *cough* Who am I kidding? Me, friendly and upbeat? Okay, not that rare actually. Just much more rare when I'm nervous. Writing all of this is helping calm the nerves though. She should call any minute now. Eeep.
Hahaha. It was like talking to someone from home or filling out a scholarship application. Why are you here at Whitworth? What would you change? It was a breeze. All those nerves for nothing. I have a personal interview set up, too. ^_^ I really hope this works out.
01 February 2009
I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is it's okay.
So today I had a rather amazing conversation with a certain friend who seems to be really good at such conversations - Bryce. I know he's a jerkface and all, but he's a great guy when it comes down to it. The conversation helped me realize how stupid I've been about some of my self-doubts and how right I've been about some of my others. I feel that writing out some of my many realizations will help assure my mother and other people that I'm not dying or anything out in Spokane. Not all of these realizations came directly from said conversation, but today's been a thinking day.
God knows me. I need to stop doubting this. Sometimes I push him away like I push everyone else away, but he is always there. I need to reach out to him more and open myself to him, because i can feel him smiling at me right now and I like that. I like being able to feel again. He has so much in store for me, and he loves me even though I'm a total idiot sometimes.
I'm not going to lose my good friends. Unless I am the biggest idiot on the face of the planet, Bryce and Tiana and starshine and Melanie and Caitlin and Charlie Brown will not leave me. These people really, truly love me, and I don't know why thats so hard for me to understand. I don't need to hang out with them 24/7. They are there for me when it really matters, and I am sitting right here waiting to be here for them when they need me, and that is all we need. I am incredibly blessed with the fact that I have six whole friends that I can not talk to for months and then sit down and have deep conversation like nothing's changed and we just saw each other two seconds ago. I don't know how on earth I got to be so lucky, but I am very glad that I am. Those five people are touched by God, and I might be the luckiest girl alive to have such amazing people in my life.
No matter how much I complain about her and she complains about me, my mom loves me. I freak out about her a lot. She's overprotective and annoying and looks too much like me - which is really unfair, cause its me that looks like her - and I'm totally irrational about it. She is a very good mother most of the time, and although we have our fights *coughridiculousblowoutscough*, I love her a lot. She is a little overprotective considering I'm eighteen, but I know its because she loves me and it could be a lot worse. She pushes me a lot and its because she wants me to take initiative and stop being a lazy teenager - which I should do.
One of the things I've been right about is that this group of mine has issues. The very fact that I can call it a group says a lot. We are very much a clique. We are just as exclusive and obnoxious as the other group in our hall. Worse, we are hypocrites because we complain about the other group so much, even though we are the same. I feel that I really need to branch out of this group. I love you guys dearly, but I don't want you to be the only people I know. I have a very big problem with the way our group is headed - becoming more controlling and exclusive. You guys have been telling me for a month or two now to stop being friends with one of my best guy friends because you don't like him and "he's not good enough" for me. Bullshit. I know him better than any of you, and I'm sorry, but he comes first. You can't control who I'm friends with. Thus, I'm going to start trying to branch out. Hang out with other people more. Live in the theatre a little bit. Visit new dorms. I don't want an extension of high school anymore.
I'm an abusive jerk. I can be a total asshole. I'm stubborn. I'm prideful. I'm almost as bad as Darcy. "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever." Most of the time, I'm being mean in fun, but I can be a spiteful bitch too. Please, please, please, tell me if I'm doing that. I'm really bad at seeing my own problems, and there are enough of you who know me well enough to slap me across the face and tell me I'm an idiot. I get jealous easily. I'm lazy. I think I know everything. BUT. I know that I've got these problems, and more besides. I want to fix them. Tell me when I'm being an idiot. Help me stop.
I have more thoughts bouncing in my head, but I think this is a good stopping point. I'm going to bed now, and tomorrow (today?) is a new day. I think I'll start it by reading a Bible verse.
God knows me. I need to stop doubting this. Sometimes I push him away like I push everyone else away, but he is always there. I need to reach out to him more and open myself to him, because i can feel him smiling at me right now and I like that. I like being able to feel again. He has so much in store for me, and he loves me even though I'm a total idiot sometimes.
I'm not going to lose my good friends. Unless I am the biggest idiot on the face of the planet, Bryce and Tiana and starshine and Melanie and Caitlin and Charlie Brown will not leave me. These people really, truly love me, and I don't know why thats so hard for me to understand. I don't need to hang out with them 24/7. They are there for me when it really matters, and I am sitting right here waiting to be here for them when they need me, and that is all we need. I am incredibly blessed with the fact that I have six whole friends that I can not talk to for months and then sit down and have deep conversation like nothing's changed and we just saw each other two seconds ago. I don't know how on earth I got to be so lucky, but I am very glad that I am. Those five people are touched by God, and I might be the luckiest girl alive to have such amazing people in my life.
No matter how much I complain about her and she complains about me, my mom loves me. I freak out about her a lot. She's overprotective and annoying and looks too much like me - which is really unfair, cause its me that looks like her - and I'm totally irrational about it. She is a very good mother most of the time, and although we have our fights *coughridiculousblowoutscough*, I love her a lot. She is a little overprotective considering I'm eighteen, but I know its because she loves me and it could be a lot worse. She pushes me a lot and its because she wants me to take initiative and stop being a lazy teenager - which I should do.
One of the things I've been right about is that this group of mine has issues. The very fact that I can call it a group says a lot. We are very much a clique. We are just as exclusive and obnoxious as the other group in our hall. Worse, we are hypocrites because we complain about the other group so much, even though we are the same. I feel that I really need to branch out of this group. I love you guys dearly, but I don't want you to be the only people I know. I have a very big problem with the way our group is headed - becoming more controlling and exclusive. You guys have been telling me for a month or two now to stop being friends with one of my best guy friends because you don't like him and "he's not good enough" for me. Bullshit. I know him better than any of you, and I'm sorry, but he comes first. You can't control who I'm friends with. Thus, I'm going to start trying to branch out. Hang out with other people more. Live in the theatre a little bit. Visit new dorms. I don't want an extension of high school anymore.
I'm an abusive jerk. I can be a total asshole. I'm stubborn. I'm prideful. I'm almost as bad as Darcy. "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever." Most of the time, I'm being mean in fun, but I can be a spiteful bitch too. Please, please, please, tell me if I'm doing that. I'm really bad at seeing my own problems, and there are enough of you who know me well enough to slap me across the face and tell me I'm an idiot. I get jealous easily. I'm lazy. I think I know everything. BUT. I know that I've got these problems, and more besides. I want to fix them. Tell me when I'm being an idiot. Help me stop.
I have more thoughts bouncing in my head, but I think this is a good stopping point. I'm going to bed now, and tomorrow (today?) is a new day. I think I'll start it by reading a Bible verse.
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