Are we human, or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue, send my condolences to good. Give my regards to soul and romance, they always did the best they could, and so long to devotion. You taught me everything I know. Wave goodbye. Wish me well. You've got to let me go.

I'm not sure exactly what this is. It's not a plea for help or a cry for attention, because I don't need or want that superficiality that comes along with such things. I think that I have a desperate need to make certain people understand, and part of me doesn't even think that they will bother to read it. They won't notice. I swear I'm made of cellophane, because all you people look at me like I'm not there.

I don't know what to think right now. I feel that this is where God wants me to be, where I am supposed to be, and yet I don't feel like I belong here. The longer I'm here, the more I feel that this is not for me. Even though I haven't accomplished whatever I am here for, suddenly I feel that home is concept I will never have. I was recently told by my mother that she wants me to live on my own this summer. Her reasoning is clear and simple, and makes a lot of sense when you think rationally. But a large part of my brain thinks irrationally, and all I want to think about is how I'm going to end up living in a cardboard box all summer because my mom is kicking me out. I want to overreact because its easier to handle it when its something so serious...but that is not how a somewhat grown-up woman should handle this. I've taken on more responsibility in my life than I ever have, and I'm scared to death. I don't think I can do this. I really don't. I don't think I can survive four years of college. I don't think I will make it through the summer.

A summer of living on my own, whether it be at my Grandma's, or hopping from friend to friend, or living in the Tercel in the driveway, or simply finding a nice comfy box, would hurt me. No transportation, small likelihood of a job, having nowhere to put all of my stuff that is currently here, no way to support myself with food or hygiene matters...not to mention that I simply have no clue how to do crap about anything. I still have to fill out my FAFSA, and that is causing me to panic. How the hell am I supposed to support myself for a whole summer?

Oh, and then there's this whole friend thing. I'm not very good at it. I push people away quite often, and the closer you get the more I want to hate you for pushing your way past my walls and barriers. Part of me wants to be alone, because then I don't have to deal with being slowly pushed out of yet another group of friends, or worse tearing apart a group of friends accidentally. But there is this tiny, desperate part of me wants to be able to hold onto more than one person for the rest of my life. I love my best friend, and at this point I don't think there is anything that can pull me and Mel apart...but everyone else seems to just drift right out after awhile. Maybe its not on purpose, maybe I'm just so paranoid about losing people that I push them out before the loss can hurt me...but maybe not. and that last, tiny little maybe eats at me.

Maybe I don't make enough effort. Maybe I'm simply not good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or ______ enough. Maybe I'm simply annoying as hell. Maybe I'm as invisible as I feel sometimes. Maybe none of you care. Maybe I just can't find the right people. Maybe it's not me, it's you. Maybe I should stop thinking about all of these maybes, since each one poisons me. Maybe there isn't a person in this world that can handle my personality. Maybe I'm too strong-willed and quiet. Maybe my mind just doesn't work the same way yours does. Maybe you could try to understand?

I'm sorry to have bothered everyone who actually wastes their time reading this. I realize that I am more or less worthless to you all. I'm okay with that most of the time. I could be a hermit for the rest of my life if there weren't all of these people everywhere. I selected the people that I thought had a right to at least try and understand why I am the way I am, and I realize that I probably don't make a lot of sense but I couldn't fall asleep until five in the morning so I'm just a little incoherent. I sincerely hope that one of you actually understands, or at least takes the time to try and understand before you jump to conclusions like so many of you have done in the past.

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I wrote this about a week ago, and posted it on Facebook, allowing only a very specific 18 people to see it. I'm feeling somewhat less frazzled now - but I'm not sure if I feel better yet. I felt okay with letting other people see this - namely my mother and youth leader - because of the ridiculous barrage of people attempting to make everything perfect.

I don't need things to be perfect. Perfect would be scary. I simply want to understand things, and it is awfully hard to understand anything if you don't understand yourself. But for me to understand, I need to write, to act, to explore, and to not be held back. I need to help other people understand little bits of themselves, and thus understand a little bit of me. I need to do my homework - and yet again, not disrupt my personal followings. I don't know how to balance things out yet, but I'm learning, learning, forever learning.

I wrote this just now in another spot, where I was attempting to being an essay thats due on Thursday: "Kjfklhedeiwgj I don’t want to write an essay. I don’t want to think or analyze or anything because then I might actually start to see the lies I’ve placed in your hands and the truths that are hidden in them. My whole life is in your hands right now, and I don’t like it one bit. Now if only I could convince myself to put my life in the hands of He who wants it the most."

I've only been truly open with maybe three or four people in my entire life. It scares the shit out of me that these people have so much power over me. I feel now that maybe I've never been as close to God as I thought - although I've had those camp highs, it's never really been a continous thing. I look at people here, like Jacquie, and people from before, like Tiana, and I see so much of the Lord in the who they are. I genuinely want that, but I'm so afraid. I want His unconditional love and acceptance, because I know that is something I cannot find anywhere else. Humans are not capable of the same type of love as God is, and I want it. I've got that one song stuck in my head - the one that goes "You give me love that's unspeakable, and I like it."

Joy - The Newsboys

I want that. I want to be happy. I think I've forgotten what its like to have true joy. I've had my moments of happiness and even bliss, but the unending joy that perseveres through the tough times? I can recall having it once, but I don't really remember what it felt like or anything. It feels like I've just been tripping through a fog, attempting to find my way without diving in. Is that what this is supposed to feel like?

Also, for the first time in many years, I'm truly doubting what I want to do with my life. I wrote so many essays stating that I've always known that I wanted to work with English. Maybe I was wrong. I fear that I'm not strong enough to be a teacher, and I'm not talented enough to be an author or an actor. I've had doubts before, but they were never serious.

I stopped writing this to actually work on my essay and now I don't remember what else I had to say. Here goes.