"just tell me you're okay"

it's dark
there's snow, but
it doesn't sparkle
this time

you're two feet
too far away
to convince me

goodnight
is harder in this light
i'm still cold
scarf around my neck
not tight enough
yet

you've never been mine
except in my head
pulling away
so far toofar
please, don't leave

we drive
hours and hours
still dark,
no snow

the truth
does not hurt
there are still tears

a whole year later
your praise,
directed at another person,
reminds me why
i never wanted this
heart

________________________________________

I've been writing poetry recently, I guess? I'm not sure what's going on in my head.

I love my job, btw. I'm working for the local Symphony in the ticket office and it's great, brilliant really, but I still feel like I'm letting someone down because it's not the dream job. I've always been too focused on that, though. I'm too aware of how much perception means, of how easy it is to manipulate.

I made it back to Spokane this past weekend. It was... hard, I guess? I feel like I've been standing still in my lonely corner of this city and everyone else has been speeding along on fast forward. Everything is so different. I'm sure I'm different, too, but I can't feel it as acutely as I do when it is in other people. 

I don't have any friends in this city.

I don't know if I've ever been good enough...

and I don't know if I've ever been really loved.
I don't know how to explain to people that worrying about me only makes it worse. I feel bad for making them worry and that just trips everything up again. It's a petty, vicious cycle, but thus is my mind. No, I'm not okay - but I'm going to do my damn best to put on a strong face and not let you know. I'd rather fix a million of your worlds than let any of you touch mine.
You don't have to worry when I'm with people, or just talking to them. It's when I'm alone with myself and my thoughts and my caustic words that you should worry - but that's generally when you don't think about me so it works perfectly. Leave me here in the night where things are dark and simple and I can eat my own heart because I've got nothing left to sacrifice.
In the morning, I'll be with you, but it will be a different kind. When the sun rises, I'll smile and giggle and pretend just for you, because watching the pain and confusion in your eyes when I freeze up or someone points out the scratches on my arm is worse than anything I do to myself. On that note, I should probably make an effort to wear longer sleeves for a few days, until some of those scratches fade.
I'm still me, and you're still you, but we've changed everything with a few words. I've always known how much power words have but I've never experienced it like this before. I said so many brave things to you that night but I didn't mean a single one. I'm not a brave person. I'm not particularly strong. I'm just trying to keep it together to spite everyone who told me I'd break down.
This is year is feeling more and more like my senior year of high school. What is it about me that loses friends like this? Please just walk away already. Stop stringing it out so that it hurts more. If I didn't know you like I do, I'd pretend you were the kind of person that messes with people like me. I know that isn't true thought, and for all the lies I tell myself, I can't believe that one.
I've lost my words and the power they contained. I've lost my heart and I'm not sure I'll ever find a shred. I'm dreaming things that terrify me, and the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had because those have an ending. If I could come to terms with the lack of love and the lack of friends and the overwhelming fear and pain, I'd be fine...
This is not a cry for attention. This is not a plea for help. This is not a threat or anything. This is who I am.

You want to be dressed in poetry...

but imagery doesn't fit. You want resizing, but darling dear, get a grip.

I don't know what to write anymore. I never seem to have the words I need to say the things that keep trying to burst out of me. I don't let myself say them. I stifle my voice, as so many before me have. And a lot of me doesn't think that it's a bad thing. Maybe sometimes it is. But always speaking your mind isn't the answer either. Balance is always necessary.

I've been fighting off other people's demons for so long that I've forgotten how to fight my own. I never know how to handle them when we are finally alone. The nightmares have started, though, which is never good.

I've always tried to stay true to myself but I think I'm forgetting who that is.

I'm stealing lines from myself, and what I said was never said. It's just a lyrical lie, made up in my mind.

You'll always be my necessity...

I'd be lost without you. You're the starch in my collar. You're the lace in my shoe.

Well, that was fun.
or something.

I have never actually enjoyed a cast party (maybe Eurydice) but that by far takes the cake. I never thought anything would top Mattress, but I have never been that uncomfortable at a cast party ever. I just wanted to leave as soon as I got there. I don't understand how I've drifted so far away from all of my friends.
I have wonderful friends, but sometimes they're the problem. or I tell myself that to keep the demons at bay. oh, but they're out in full force tonight and there's no fighting them off. it's funny how keeping promises to yourself and not breaking the law only make it harder to fight. i feel vaguely like a velociraptor tore through my heart and left it beating somehow. I mean, I'm fine. Nothing actually happened. I hate parties so as soon as the alcohol came out, I left. My mother would be proud of me. I drove around for like half an hour trying to tell myself things were fine. I came home and tried to read. I decided to go to bed.
I was woken up about half an hour later by a phone call. I didn't answer, luckily. I don't think he'd have noticed if I had. I had no idea how crushing a wordless phone message could be. I mean, it was quite full of sound. but it was empty.

I don't actually think anything was meant by it.


That doesn't change how much it hurts.



But it shouldn't hurt, and I know that. I feel preposterous and rather pathetic for letting it hurt. At the same time, I don't really feel like I have a choice in the matter because it's not like I'm trying to be heartbroken over it. And maybe this is just my brain deciding to move on, but then again it's never been like this before. It's not the end of the world - it never really is - but i hate where my brain goes on nights like this and i guess as long as I keep typing things will be okay. i've never shaken this badly in my entire life. my body shakes when it won't cry. and at least it means he cares enough to try and check in but god how much i hate it.
and he's texting me now, so he's fine and it's fine and he's not being stupid, but he'll never let me in and he'll never let me care and i'll never understand why on earth he needs this to be happy. then again, i don't even know what i need to be happy. i feel like i repeat certain phrases too often when i'm emotionally distressed. i wish that i could feel secure in my relationships for just one day. i wish that i could understand why i'm the second thought, or the backup, or the last resort for so many. i'm just always so scared and i don't understand. i'll never get to be that girl and i don't know why i want to be her, but being me seems to get me nowhere and while everyone seems to like me, no one seems to love me.
excuse me for having to type this all out. i hope you didn't read it. i apologize already, because that's who i am and i can't change it and i hate it. please forgive me.

pour a little salt, we were never here.

well, shit.

i'm just done with this.

i don't even know.

no one reads this.

no one reads me.

it's like i've got this whole world caught in my throat,

and no one notices that it's choking me.

Recently, I've felt anchored. Secure in my doom to never leave the bottom of the ocean, but for some reason never drown.

The problem with this is that the point in the ocean that I'm anchored to has a whirlpool swirling around it, and everything and everyone is moving so fast that even if I tried to reach out the touch someone, I'd just get whiplash.

No one seems to take what I say seriously.

i'll keep writing even though no one has looked at this blog besides me since last february.

i don't know why i feel the need to keep trying, but i'll save the world until i fall apart.

i did this last year.

it created a flurry of fake-care.

for like a month, all of my friends were concerned and loving and tried oh-so-hard to include me.

and then promptly forgot as soon as they felt better about themselves.

so don't try.

don't bother.

I found that in my drafts a little while ago. It's definitely old. Life seems to move in a circular motion, and only a few seem to leap out of the loop and into the world. Sometimes I do wonder why I try so hard, but in the end I know it's because I care. and if caring is a fault, then you can go to hell. I'm trying so hard to be content with what I have because I know its good but my dreams are so much bigger than the small towns I get myself stuck in. I could be happy here if I let go. But I've never known how to let go. Friends are like snow. i love it so much, but i never know what to do with it, and it never sticks around quite long enough - or if it does, it browns with misuse.

it's like slow-dancing to a beat too fast to hear.
it's like eating pie every day of the year.
it's like holding you close every night in my dreams.
it's like knowing that no one hears my screams.
it's like going crazy bit by bit.
it's like being afraid of being a bitch.

I don't know anymore. and I think that's what I'm supposed to say, so I don't want to say it.
"i don't know why i feel the need to keep trying, but i'll save the world until i fall apart."

So why don't you just say something you haven't rehearsed?

...but that leaves nothing. Along with me, you've neglected the urge to be real, real with me. If I asked for one thing - just say I love you - but I know you won't blink. Truth won't pass your lips, I know. Stop pretending.

It's funny how life rolls round like a ball and always hits you in the same place. This week has been full of tough news, stress, and surprisingly, love. I've never felt so close to some of my friends. I've decided that this year is going to be about pouring time into the friendships that matter - and the friendships that are healthy. I'm sick of one-sided friendships and I deserve better than that. It's so hard for me to say that but I wish I'd realized it years ago.
So much of my life is about pleasing other people and making them happy, and forgetting about myself. I need to take care of myself. I can't love the way I do without repercussions. So fuck the world, I'm taking some time for me. The world has been spinning for plenty long without me taking care of everything, it can keep on going. Someone asked me the other day why I spend so much time in the theatre. Actually, what they asked was "Do you think it's going to burn down without you there?" They were joking, but it's a good point. It's hard to balance Diana's expectations with the fact that I have a life, but it's something that I need to do, and I need to be honest with her when she's insane about how much I'm expected to do as a student and part of her team.
I'm off to church, and then I'm off to take on the world (or just my nerves). Wish me luck - I'm sure you'll hear about this.

But if destruction is what I needed...

I just wanted a safer place to hide...

Senior year is just around the corner. I can't believe time has moved this fast. I remember writing my blog posts at the beginning of it all - scared, confused, totally lost. I'm still pretty much in the same spot, really. I wonder if life ever stops being confusing, or if humans are more or less doomed to confusion for all eternity. I wish I had the strength to just say fuck it and go for what I want, but sometimes I'm sure it takes more strength to stay where I am.
This summer was spectacular for so many reasons. I am so glad it happened. From discovering new friends to working the Walla Walla Sweet Onion Festival and Hairspray to Kimmy's wedding to Motley Crue, everything was so good. I have grown so much. I still struggle, but I think that is just how life goes. Plateaus are simply building ground for the next growth spurt.
I've been discussing with a dear friend about how love is a swimming pool. It's so much fun when you're swimnming and splashing about and enjoying things. Sitting on the edge or on the deck of the pool, just watching, sucks. Sometmes, you're really enjoying the pool and the company, and sometimes, it's just not the right time to swim. So you get out, towel off, and wait for things to be right. Sometimes, you're swimming alone, waiting for someone to jump in with you. Sometimes, you're poised on the diving board waiting for someone to tell you to jump and watch you fall (maybe so you can splash them on the way in). I had just finished toweling off, and had decided to sit a little farther away from the pool for awhile, maybe read a book on the deck... It was so pleasant. What do you do if someone pushes you back in?
I'm also learning to be content with my friends the way they are. So if that means they don't speak to me for a few weeks, fine. It's hard for me, because I'm ridiculously anxious about things like that - but it promotes healthier friendships. Hopefully, this conscious learning process will help me adapt into a healthier person.
I've had this overwhelming need to ask people if they think I'm pretty or not recently - please don't answer that, readers - and I think it is preposterous. It actually kind of bugs me that I want to ask so much, because it shouldn't matter and it only displays my insecurities. Clearly, I'm an insecure female - I'm living. My insecurities are my own and I shouldn't need to beg for attention because of them, right?
I can't even begin on the last few days yet. They have been so good and so, so bad. I'm a mess. I'll tell you when I figure things out.