I should be happy. I should be gloriously happy. My life is wonderful. I have spectacular friends. I'm surrounded by uplifting, genuinely honest and beautiful people. I love my job, even when I'm doing the boring stuff. I have so much good in my life, and yet the tiniest thing can get me down. I swear there is a disconnect in my brain. It's like my heart/mind refuses to be happy. I am so proud of where I've gone since I decided I was going somewhere, and yet I react like I have done nothing. No, worse than that. Like I am nothing. I know that isn't true, and yet I can't seem to act on that knowledge. I should be happy. Why am I not?
It's so nice to have people around me. People who stop me from doing stupid things. People who give me hugs and save me ticker tape because it was the best free souvenir they could find from the concert that I should have gone to with them. I need to find a way to connect the part of me that is so happy and grateful to have friends like mine with the part of me that feels continually alone. For all of the happy things I am experiencing, I still find myself writing things like this entry and this little bit of poetry that refuses to grow:
the words have a song
and the song isn't me
i think the song's you
but you don't want to be
I don't understand how I can have a disconnect this severe in my mind. I am worth something, and I am sick of the rest of me not remembering that. I feel like I'm a pathetic high school kid all over again, but I know that this is not something that will be fixed by letting it slide away. I've been trying that for too long. It's like I live inside my head. I don't participate in my own life. I'm so passive, and that's why I end up discontent after I've successfully made everyone else happy. For all the people I love and all of the lives I work so hard to improve, I do nothing for myself. I don't think I can even pass it off as being Christian or unselfish or anything at all that is so good - I'm just neglecting myself in every way I can that isn't obvious to the naked eye.
...you should probably not know how much I'm falling apart right now, but I'm sick of being the strong one.
1 comment:
This post really speaks to me. Especially for the last year or so when I've been going through so many hard things. Friends would tell me "I know you can do this. You're tough." But all I could think about was how sick I was of being tough.
That is a lovely poem.
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