I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is it's okay.

So today I had a rather amazing conversation with a certain friend who seems to be really good at such conversations - Bryce. I know he's a jerkface and all, but he's a great guy when it comes down to it. The conversation helped me realize how stupid I've been about some of my self-doubts and how right I've been about some of my others. I feel that writing out some of my many realizations will help assure my mother and other people that I'm not dying or anything out in Spokane. Not all of these realizations came directly from said conversation, but today's been a thinking day.

God knows me. I need to stop doubting this. Sometimes I push him away like I push everyone else away, but he is always there. I need to reach out to him more and open myself to him, because i can feel him smiling at me right now and I like that. I like being able to feel again. He has so much in store for me, and he loves me even though I'm a total idiot sometimes.

I'm not going to lose my good friends. Unless I am the biggest idiot on the face of the planet, Bryce and Tiana and starshine and Melanie and Caitlin and Charlie Brown will not leave me. These people really, truly love me, and I don't know why thats so hard for me to understand. I don't need to hang out with them 24/7. They are there for me when it really matters, and I am sitting right here waiting to be here for them when they need me, and that is all we need. I am incredibly blessed with the fact that I have six whole friends that I can not talk to for months and then sit down and have deep conversation like nothing's changed and we just saw each other two seconds ago. I don't know how on earth I got to be so lucky, but I am very glad that I am. Those five people are touched by God, and I might be the luckiest girl alive to have such amazing people in my life.

No matter how much I complain about her and she complains about me, my mom loves me. I freak out about her a lot. She's overprotective and annoying and looks too much like me - which is really unfair, cause its me that looks like her - and I'm totally irrational about it. She is a very good mother most of the time, and although we have our fights *coughridiculousblowoutscough*, I love her a lot. She is a little overprotective considering I'm eighteen, but I know its because she loves me and it could be a lot worse. She pushes me a lot and its because she wants me to take initiative and stop being a lazy teenager - which I should do.

One of the things I've been right about is that this group of mine has issues. The very fact that I can call it a group says a lot. We are very much a clique. We are just as exclusive and obnoxious as the other group in our hall. Worse, we are hypocrites because we complain about the other group so much, even though we are the same. I feel that I really need to branch out of this group. I love you guys dearly, but I don't want you to be the only people I know. I have a very big problem with the way our group is headed - becoming more controlling and exclusive. You guys have been telling me for a month or two now to stop being friends with one of my best guy friends because you don't like him and "he's not good enough" for me. Bullshit. I know him better than any of you, and I'm sorry, but he comes first. You can't control who I'm friends with. Thus, I'm going to start trying to branch out. Hang out with other people more. Live in the theatre a little bit. Visit new dorms. I don't want an extension of high school anymore.

I'm an abusive jerk. I can be a total asshole. I'm stubborn. I'm prideful. I'm almost as bad as Darcy. "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever." Most of the time, I'm being mean in fun, but I can be a spiteful bitch too. Please, please, please, tell me if I'm doing that. I'm really bad at seeing my own problems, and there are enough of you who know me well enough to slap me across the face and tell me I'm an idiot. I get jealous easily. I'm lazy. I think I know everything. BUT. I know that I've got these problems, and more besides. I want to fix them. Tell me when I'm being an idiot. Help me stop.

I have more thoughts bouncing in my head, but I think this is a good stopping point. I'm going to bed now, and tomorrow (today?) is a new day. I think I'll start it by reading a Bible verse.